In one of the more aggravating days I’ve experienced as a Tiger Woods fan, I got to watch him basically kick the ball around the course, making lots of pars, while everyone behind him magically turned into world-beaters, all of them having the rounds of their lives, knocking in miracle shots like they were eating potato chips, and turning what should have been a runaway into a nail-biter, and I use that not as a metaphor for excitement, but as an admission that many of my fingers are actively losing blood as a result of the gouges I bit into them earlier today.

Thankfully, mercifully, due to a stone-cold, you’d-never-make-that-shot birdie at the 14th, and Padraig Harrington fucking up the last hole, he still has a two shot lead. And even more thankfully, the gaggle of douchebags making a charge generally choked properly toward the end of the day, leaving only two real challengers left.

Let’s take a look at them now, as we try to choke back the bile of this day of anguish.

Tiger is at -8, which is where he was yesterday after the 17th hole, so it can be said that since then, it’s been a pretty gruesome grind.

—

Y.E. Yang (-6) : Tiger’s playing partner tomorrow is Y.E. Yang, the winner of the Honda Classic earlier this year, and who matched Tiger’s first round of 67 today to launch himself into the final group of the weekend. He is a fierce competitor with a will that refuses to— wait… I’m sorry, did you say Y.E. Yang? WHO THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCK IS Y.E. YANG, AND WHY IS HE PLAYING IN THE LAST GROUP WITH THE GUY WEARING THE RED SHIRT TOMORROW? This can’t be happening. Y.E. Fucking Yang. Although after today he is the most recognizable golfer in the world to one Ice Cream Jonsey, because of two simple words: Magenta pants. Well, I’ve got two simple words for ol’ Y.E. Yang: No Fucking Way. THREAT LEVEL: I GOT YER Y.E. YANG RIGHT HERE.

Padraig Harrington (-6) : Fucking Paddy, man. On Friday he hit what was possibly the greatest golf shot ever hit, from the lip of a bunker, like 250 yards, to 10 feet. It was cute, then. It was like, “aw, poor Paddy, gonna lose, but at least we have these nice replays of that amazing shot.” But he is really trying to make that shot be one that they’ll play a hundred times, going, “here was where the momentum turned!”, and “here’s where he showed the heart of the competitor that would lead him to victory over the so-called ‘legendary’ Tiger Woods!” If this happens, I will kill myself, for real, live on this BBS. This absolutely cannot happen. The “Padraig winning” thing, not the “me killing myself” thing. Who cares about that. THREAT LEVEL: I WILL KILL MYSELF LIVE ON JOLT COUNTRY BBS.

So what was setting up to be a ceremonial stroll around Hazeltine, while I sat on the couch and drank myself into a stupor with a goofy grin on my face, is now a hard-bitten war around Hazeltine, while I sit on the couch and drink myself into a stupor with a gnarled grimace on my face. And then possibly killing myself, live on this BBS, at the end of the day.

I TOLD U I WAS HARDCORE

Tiger leads at -7. There are five players four shots back at -3. There are two at -2. I can’t go any lower than that with a straight face, so let’s get to it:

— The (snnkkkrr) Challengers! —

Vijay Singh (-3) — If you can believe it, Tiger and Vijay will be paired together tomorrow in the final group. Vijay did nothing today, but he went out early before the weather got bad, so his lackluster 72 was actually good enough to put him in the final group. I am guessing he will put away all of his “Tiger Who?” hats before tomorrow’s round. Anyway, if that’s all he could do in the morning, he would be toast even if he wasn’t playing with the Man, and the various pressures that brings. THREAT LEVEL: ALMOST ZERO

Brendan Jones (-3) — Another one of those that took some advantage of the early good weather. And I still don’t know who it is. THREAT LEVEL: ABSOLUTE ZERO

Lucas Glover (-3) — The U.S. Open champ is still hanging around. He was threatening to really put some pressure on today until some late stumbles. Who knows? THREAT LEVEL: SLIGHTLY MORE THAN ZERO

Ross Fisher (-3) — Was having the round of his life, tied for the lead, until he bogeyed the last two holes. Plays well in majors. I still couldn’t pick him out of a lineup, but if he has another magical day tomorrow, and doesn’t give it all back at the end, hey, I’m looking for any excuse to build some drama here. THREAT LEVEL: VERY, VERY LOW, BUT NOT ZERO

Padraig Harrington (-3) — Was genuinely threatening until he fell apart on the back nine. He’s a tough guy, though! If anyone in this lineup can do it, I think it’s him. THREAT LEVEL: LOW, BUT AS GOOD AS WE’RE GONNA GET AT THIS POINT

Ian Poulter (-2) — One of those “any minute now he’s gonna be great” guys. But he isn’t. Put on a nice run earlier in the day (again, with better weather than Tiger had to deal with), but his pants are way too goofy, and he is a loser. THREAT LEVEL: LOSER

Lee Westwood (-2) — Was going to be in second place, paired with Tiger, until he three-putt from about two feet on the 17th hole. Has the talent, but not the stones. Sorry, Lee. You’re outta here. THREAT LEVEL: OUTTA HERE

Aaaand that’s pretty much it. Put this article among the many others being written around the internets right now, trying to put some sort of spin on this story other than “this tournament is over.”

(But this tournament is over.)

Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods fans don’t have to suffer through much, but one of the things we do have to suffer through most of the time is lackluster starts in majors. Every major, he comes in touted as the man to beat (true) and that if anyone else wins it would be a miracle (not true), and then more often than not, my man tends to lay a bit of an egg on Thursday. That’s okay, makes the rest of the week more interesting (see 2008 US Open thread.)

But, sure would be nice to get off to a hot start once in a while. Well, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the challengers this week.

As usual, I will immediately discount anyone behind Tiger in the standings, since I don’t remember anyone ever catching him from behind in a major, since 1998. So let’s run down the list of those tied with, or ahead of Tigs:

…

Not a goddamn person. Tiger opens with a flawless, effortless 67, one shot clear of the next competitor, and two shots clear of every other checkered-panted dork out there. That’s what I’m talking about.

But because that doesn’t make for a very interesting update, let’s assume for the sake of saving this godforsaken website that the tournament isn’t already over, and run down those list of reasonable challengers, which I will define at everybody at -1 or better, because come on, if you’re at even par, you’re already five back of the greatest golfer in history, so just pack up the goddamn clubs.

Challengers listed in descending order that they show up on the leaderboard when I click on “pga.com”:

Padraig Harrington (-4) : He won the last two majors last year, and then fell off the map. His swing was a mess. He couldn’t make a cut. But then he found something, and last week nearly stole Tiger’s 70th win until a ruling at the 16th hole rattled his nerves and he took an 8. So, even though I’d like to say this is a done deal, in all likelihood it’s stacking up as Tiger v. Paddy II: Mick’s Revenge. THREAT LEVEL: EXTREME

Robert Allenby (-3) : Ranked 30th in the world, he’s one of those “hang-arounders” that you know his name, see his face occasionally, but isn’t usually made for the big stage. Though I do know his name and might be able to pick him out of a lineup, so we won’t totally dismiss him yet. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Matthew Goggin (-3) : Interesting Golf Fact #1: Nobody with three “g”s in their last name has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Hunter Mahan (-3) : One of the young guns from whom great things are expected. And yet, he’s only won one tournament, and wouldn’t you know, this young gun is 27, by which time the tournament leader had already won about 100 majors and 5,000 tournaments. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW

Alvaro Quiros (-3) : I’m sorry, I meant to click “PGA Championship” but clicked “Daily Jumble Puzzle” instead. My bad! THREAT LEVEL: WHO???

Vijay Singh (-3) : Well, look at that, our old nemesis. Still 12th in the world, but you really haven’t heard much from ol’ darkie there for a couple of years. Back in the day, I’d say this was some serious cause for alarm. But Vijay, you’re old, you’re washed up, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, and most importantly, you can’t putt. How the mighty have fallen. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM-LOW

David Toms (-3) : David, we all know you, we all like you, you’re a previous major winner, you seem like a good guy, but your time has passed, and you had one good round, and goodbye. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Paul Goydos (-2) : Who couldn’t have fallen in love with Paul Goydos’ good-guy routine at last year’s Players where he took Sergio to the limit? Nobody. Who thinks he has a chance at winning this tournament? Even fewer than that. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Thongchai Jaidee (-2) : Interesting Golf Fact #2: Nobody named “Thongchai Jaidee” has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: THONGCHAI JAIDEE???

Graeme McDowell (-2) : Interesting Golf Fact #3: Nobody with an “ae” in their name has ever won a major, particularly if they were ranked 49th in the world at the time, and three shots back of Tiger Woods. THREAT LEVEL: AE

Lee Westwood (-2) : Most will forget that he was one putt away from joining the Tiger & Rocco show in the already-legendary 2008 U.S. Open. He’s a good guy. He’s got game. He’s 13th in the world. He… Yeah, he’s good. THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Michael Bradley (-2) : The funny part is, I went onto thegolfchannel.com to look up the current world rankings. The first page of the rankings goes up to #102 (59 year-old Tom Watson). So I hit “search” and typed “michael”, and not only was his name not on the page, but nobody else with “michael” in their name was on the page. THREAT LEVEL: TOM WATSON, AT BEST

Gonzalo Fernandez-Castano (-2) : On the broadcast, they list his name as “Gonzalo F-Castano”, which I always read as “Gonzalo Fuckin’ Castano”, or at least I would, if I knew who he was or had ever heard of him. THREAT LEVEL: ABSOLUTELY F-NONE

Soren Kjeldsen (-2) : Interesting Golf Fact #4: Nobody whose last name begun with what looks like a typo has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: TYPO

Ben Crane (-2) : Ben Crane is most famous for making Rory Sabbatini go apeshit because he spends so much time praying to Jesus in between shots that you could fall asleep waiting for him to hit a 20-foot chip shot. While I appreciate the concept of irritating Rory Sabbatini, even Jesus can’t save you now, Ben. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Hiroyuki Fujita (-1) : It must be hard playing golf after eating all those hot dogs. THREAT LEVEL: NATHAN’S

Rory McIlroy (-1) : Rory is this year’s Anthony Kim, the true young stud who is going to take Tiger’s throne, except he can’t find it through his cabbage-patch lettuce which clouds his eyes with scraggly curls and his ears with the laughter of onlookers. THREAT LEVEL: LOW

Bo Van Pelt (-1) : Interesting Golf Fact #5: Nobody with three names, totaling less than 10 letters, has ever won a major. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Sergio Garcia (-1) : It was ten years ago this week that he lost his first major to Tiger Woods. Why stop now? THREAT LEVEL: FUCK YOU SERGIO, YOU WHINING LITTLE CUP-SPITTING FUCKING LOSER, WHO EVERYONE SHOULD HATE WITH THE WHITE-HOT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND SUNS, NOW THAT WE CAN’T DO THAT TO PHIL SINCE EVERYONE IN HIS FAMILY HAS AIDS OR WHATEVER.

Rich Beem (-1) : For those golf historians among you, you’ll remember that Rich Fucking Beem won the PGA Championship in 2002, the last time it was at this very same golf course (Hazeltine), and he won by one shot, over one Tiger Fucking Woods. He is enjoying some rejuvenated popularity this week due to this history. This is the only part of this week he will enjoy. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

Anders Hansen (-1) : Sorry, hit Jumble again. THREAT LEVEL: HUH??

Geoff Ogilvy (-1) : Geoff Ogilvy is a stud, and currently 8th in the world. Four back of Tigs is a tough climb, but I will be very quiet and respectful here. THREAT LEVEL: QUIET AND RESPECTFUL

Brendan Jones (-1) : I don’t know who this is. Apparently he is 64th in the world. THREAT LEVEL: I DON’T KNOW WHO THIS IS

Lucas Glover (-1) : Won the U.S. Open this year. You’d think I’d be all apeshit, since if he wins this, not only does he keep Tiger major-less for the first time since 2004, but he will get Player of the Year, even though he’ll have won fewer than half the number of tournaments Tiger has. In truth, though, I think he has zero chance. But since even the spectre of him winning is so terribly horrible, I will have to weight it super-extra heavy. Which all leads to THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM

Luke Donald (-1) : Luke Donald was supposed to be this great awesome young golfer and like so many of them he’s done nothing and will do nothing, eat a dick Luke Donald. THREAT LEVEL: NONE

So that’s it. Tune in tomorrow when, God willing, we’ll have a richly deserved blowout on our hands.

—

(Interesting Golf Fact #6: Tiger’s real middle name is, for reals, “Tont”.)

There was a time, if you can believe it, that there was such a thing as the “Big Four” of golf. They were: 

Tiger Woods 

Phil Mickelson 

Vijay Singh 

Ernie Els 

These were the heavyweights, and even though Tiger was winning more than his share, the others would bristle at the fact that Eldrick was always getting more press, more credit, more money, more LUV, more whatever. They were the Big Four, and they all wanted the same respect, and they all thought that if they tried hard enough, it wouldn’t always be Tiger at the top of the hearts-and-minds list. They all thought they had a chance. 

For a year or two, even, it was the Big Five — The above, plus Retief Goosen. 

This was not that long ago. In fact, this was AFTER the Tiger Slam, AFTER Tiger had begun to really start tearing into some records that had long been thought unsinkable. Even after all that, there was still a Big Four, or a Big Five, or even a Big Two, once Mickelson became the clear, consistent almost-front-runner. 

But just as recently as a year ago, maybe two, all of that seemingly just stopped. 

Not just among the writers, always prone to hyperbole and wanting to write breathless columns (like this one) about the next coming of the Lord — that had been going on since before he fired shot one as a professional, somewhere in Milwaukee. 

No, by this time, it had even stopped among his peers. A couple of semi-famous maniacs (I’m looking at you here, Ian Poulter) would occasionally find themselves in front of a camera and say hey, I’ma be #1 soon, and they’d take it as seriously as if I’d said it. But you never heard it from anyone from yesteryear’s Big Four, Big Five, Big Anybody. 

One day, they just stopped. 

One day, after too many second-place finishes to Tigs, Els stopped thinking his Big Easy swing would carry him to the promised land. 

One day, no matter how many “Tiger Who?” caps his caddy wore, Vijay realized there was no point. 

One day, after one too many oh-so-sincere, smugly self-aggrandizing smiles into the camera, Phil just gave up the dream, realizing being a legitimate, or anywhere close to legitimate #1 was not to be, in his lifetime. 

Now, nobody that matters in the sport even bothers trying. They are a generation of professional golfers subdued into being satisfied with million dollar purses, Rich-and-Famous lifestyles, and always being known as “one of the other ones”. 

Not a bad life. And certainly a more honest one, now that they’ve given up the dream, one that was destined never to be theirs, once Earl and Kultida Woods hooked up that one fateful, sweaty night, and nine-plus-six months later when the baby held a cut-off iron in his hand and tried to emulate his father’s swing. 

Nowadays, when he shows up, even if they put up a good front in the press room, behind their eyes they’re bowing down, and showing a begrudging, defeated respect. 

The smart ones — the ones with some dignity, and perspective, and humor — add in a little admiration. This is why Rocco Mediate at last year’s U.S. Open was such a wonderful story. This was a great guy, with humor and wit and joy about him, and he knew he wasn’t supposed to win, and that’s why it was so great that he almost did. 

The night before the playoff, while answering reporters’ questions in the press room, somewhere off-screen Tiger walked in to prep for his own session with the microphones. 

Rocco noticed, looked up, pointed to him faux-menacingly and said, “Hear that, pal? I’m comin’ for ya.” Then motioned to the press and added, “See, he’s scared of me.” 

Rocco got it. You can’t come for him. You can’t scare him. The best you can do is make him, and the rest of us, laugh at your predicament. 

Finally, everyone is coming around to that. 

Game over.

With about six hours of playtime under the rapidly-expanding waistline, then, I will now present to you my preliminary review of Tiger ’09, played on an Xbox 360.

Here are the things that are better than last years!

- The little bubble that shows you how you’re actually moving the joystick in “real swing” mode or whatever it’s called.

- The graphics are a little better.

- The player stats, although suspicious, are “dynamic”, in that your abilities (distance/short game/putting, etc.) go up and down based on your performance, rather than however it worked before, which I forget, but which I think was a lot more static — you’d build your stats in the training section, and those’d be your stats.

- You can’t tell whether you miss or make a putt based on the camera angle it immediately switches to. I can’t tell you how annoying this was. In ’08, if it went to the “behind the golfer” view, you knew you’d missed, and if it went to “behind the cup” view, you knew you’d made it. Now at least there’s a little tension as the ball rolls to the cup.

- I like the new Tiger Challenge mode. In ’08, you’d have to complete a specific set of tasks to get to a “boss” match. Now you can pick and choose among a bunch of tasks, each of which has a point value, so as long as you collect enough points, you get to the boss, regardless of how you collect those points.

- Thusfar it has yet to alter history.

- Seems some of the courses have been replaced with other ones, and a couple of the new ones seem pretty money.

Here are the things that are worse than last year!

- Gary McCord and David Feherty have been replaced by the deadly dull Sam Torrance and the racist lesbian Kelly Tilghman. However, since the announcers are completely useless anyway (see below), you’re almost relieved that the good names of McCord and Feherty need suffer no more indignities in the name of this godforsaken franchise.

- The Hank Haney training system, where the personality-less Haney suggests training exercises to give you a temporary skill boost, seems completely pointless at best, and totally boring at worst. Or the other way around. Anyway, the training exercises are so painfully dull that the minor temporary boost you’d get in skill is never, ever worth it, and it becomes just another screen to skip.

- Seems even slower than last year, which was already very slow, in terms of loading times.

Here are the things that are just as bad as last year

- The announcers still appear to have no idea what is going on on the course. Moreover, when they are spouting their nonsense which has no apparent relationship to what’s going on on the screen, their grammar now appears to be suffering on top of it.

- Opponent golfers still suffer unbelievable lapses in concentration, and will intentionally line up directly at a tree, fire a ball at it and hit it square, as if they thought the goal of the game was to kill as many woodpeckers as possible within a certain time limit.

- You, yourself, appear to have no idea what is going on either. You will wildly celebrate one-inch putts, and flail around disgustedly when your 280-yard 3 wood misses the green by a foot. You also complain about par a lot.

These three, listed above, continue to amaze me. With all of the advanced technology and multi-zillion dollars that go into these things, for some reason they STILL can’t figure out how to interpret what is going on. I don’t see how it’s that hard. if (distance to pin < previous_distance * .04) celebrate(); if (putt_goes_in and putt_length > 8 feet) fist_pump();. This is NOT DIFFICULT LOGIC TO IMPLEMENT. if (shot_is_really_close_to_green and shot_length_was_over_200_yards) do_not_whine_and_penalize_your_short_game_stats_for_fucks_sake();

I just don’t see why they can’t, or won’t, fix this.

- Still way, WAY too easy. On hard, I’m already breaking 60, and have won every tournament I’ve entered, by a decent margin.

… So, that’s it, at least for now. As a “hardcore golf simulation” (as which some article or another laughably referred to the Tiger EA franchise) it still sucks moose tits. It is still a bad golf game. But it is a better bad golf game than last years, which was horrendous and inexcusable.

So, you know. I guess it’s fine. And ultimately, it’s as good as we’re gonna get.

=(

Clearly, there isss room in the marrrketplace for another golf game, one that is more competently produuuced. And yet, with Tigerrrr ssssuch a draw (and an exclussssive one at thhhh-at!) the competition would ssssurely be trounced, like so much foooolish Elowann space craft. Fortunately, I had my own minions, lassst year, purrrrchase the warre and play it before I wasssted my own valuable time and ccccccycles upon that…. annoyance. It wasss clearly a cruel and horrrrible gesssture laid upon those of usssss that enjoy… the gentleman’s game of golf.

In fact, one of the thingssss I enjoyed most were the Arrrrrthian announcersss. Both gone! Thhth! Although, perhaps the new onessss won’t react as if I had picked up the ball and thhhhhrrown it into a neighboring highway if I misssss a putt by just inches. That would be greatly… appreciated.

But I feel I am within the cold, desperate grip of the game reviewers now. Now, with thissss EA product, ssspecccifically. Many of my other, ah, “correspondents” here on thissss group blog have experienced it before: the hockey series routinely got worse in the Aughts, and ditto for Arrrrrthian football. And now, my golf. Why do you annoy usssssss?

It beggarrrrs thy imagination.

Everrry… near every review begins the same way!! ‘Electronic Arts has really attacked the issues that so plagued last year’s version. This year promises to be the best version yet!’ SssSSSssSSssth! But yet, they DID NOT mention these issues last year! Corrrrporate whorrresssssSSSssSs! All of them! Thhhhhhth!

(head bobs violently)

And yet, I grrrrieve.

Forrrr my only otherrr optionsss are a bar that doesss not allow  my fellow Thrynn. For at thissss bar is one ‘Golden Tee.’ ‘Golden.’ ‘Tee.’

(head bobs even more violently)

Pssssath! I loathe myself for this decision. Thissss is my world now. Bring me thisssss Tigerrrrr Woods, 09.

The second round is virtually over, so let’s check our masters of disaster to see how the four most loathesome men in golf fared today!

For each douche, I will at the end rate them (on a 0-10 scale) on 1) likelihood of following through on disaster, and 2) how terrible it would be if the disaster occurred. By multiplying these together, each douche will receive an overall DISASTER RATING of 0-100. Then you can mark these numbers on your wall in crayon. Right on the wall. Use different color crayons for each douche.

DISASTER DOUCHE #1: Padraig Harrington — To be fair, Paddy actually isn’t a bad guy, unlike the other three assholes on this list. However, for the purposes of this week, he is the worst enemy I have ever had in my life, including Hitler, Satan, and HITLERSATAN, who is an invention of my own mind! And what the FUCK did I tell you? When he finished his round, he was tied for 57th, and I said, watch this, cuz he’s gonna go up and up and up. And now, at the end of the day? TIED FOR 26th for fuck’s sake. Six shots back at +5, but since only one guy (J. B. “John” Holmes) is at -1, and he blows, it’s really like being five shots back, which is nothing. NOTHING! Well, maybe not nothing. It’s probably something. But not so much something that you can say “yeah, he definitely won’t win.” LIKELIHOOD RATING: 3 – SEVERITY RATING: 10 (would win the award) – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 30.

DISASTER DOUCHE #2: Anthony Kim — I am happy to report that Kimmie struggled to a five over 75 today to put him even with Paddy at +5, tied for 26th. He gets a higher likelihood rating than Paddy though because he is becoming known for unbelievable hot streaks. LIKELIHOOD RATING: 5 – SEVERITY RATING: 9 – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 45.

DISASTER DOUCHE #3: Sergio Garcia — Leads the douche pack after a 73, putting him at +2, tied for 7th, three shots back. Has never won a major, and I am torn because the prospect of him choking away another close one is almost worth the risk of him getting this close. Were he to win, not the end of the world as I still think he’d need at least one more win, but still, seeing him hold any kind of important trophy is enough to make any serious golf fan gag up his Cheez-Its. LIKELIHOOD RATING: 8 – SEVERITY RATING: 6 – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 48.

DISASTER DOUCHE #4: LEFTY — Copied Sergio’s 73, putting him tied for 14th, four strokes back. In some ways, him winning would be the worst of all possible outcomes, but for some strange reason, I’d actually rather see him win that Anthony Kim, who is just a despicable pile of garbage. Still, though, it would be completely godawful in every conceivable way. LIKELIHOOD RATING: 8 – SEVERITY RATING: 8 – OVERALL DISASTER RATING: 64

So there you have it. Leading into round three, please BOO these worthless stanknuggets in the following order:

FUCK YOU LEFTY (64)
FUCKIO GARCIA (48)
FUCKONY KIM (45)
Paddy (30)

Bonus “Positive” Update

Hey, hey. Let’s not let negativity overcome us on this most hallowed of weeks on the Tour. Golf is a wonderful game, and we should show our appreciation and admiration for those who play the game expertly! So this weekend, if you happen to flip the channel to the 2008 PGA Championship, why not raise high a delicious beverage in a toast, and cheer, cheer, cheer these fine, fine players!

J.B. Holmes (1): A long hitter and good guy, this could be his chance to take his career to the next level!

Ben Curtis (T2): Previous surprise major winner, maybe he can thrill us again with another shocker!

Justin Rose (T2): Was thought to be the next young star ten years ago, never quite got there. Could this be the week he fulfills that earlier promise? Let’s hope so!

David Toms (T5): Previous PGA Championship winner and all around good guy, who won’t be rootin’ for this former LSU Tiger??

Henrik Stenson (T5): Solid, steady European player, now has his chance to conquer ground in the US!

Aaron Baddeley (T7): The ladies love him, fashion designers cringe, but “Badds” is set to show the world he’s not just a pretty face in horrible clothing!

Sean O’Hair (T7): Escaped an emotionally abusive father and is poised and ready to show the world (and his father) that he can win on the biggest stage in the sport!

Angel Cabrera (T7): The Big Cat! Another surprise previous major winner, but he’s purring right along and ready to pounce on Major #2!

Paul Goydos (T14): Who could forget his showdown at the Players this year, showing the whole world that you can be a pro golfer but still be a down-to-earth, funny, nice guy! Go Go Goydos!

Boo Weekley (T14): The country bumpkin who says he’d rather fish than golf, how can you not pull for this down-home cowpoke?

Brandt Snedeker (T14): Made his name known in the Masters, and is back for more face time! Hopefully lots of it!

Steve Elkington (T21): Elk! The best interview on the Jim Rome show! A great, hilarious guy who everyone should definitely root for!

There ya go. HUZZAH, I say to all these wonderful people! Play your best, men! We here at Jolt Country BBS are actively — you might say vociferously — behind you!

Day Three Update

Most of today was rained out, so not much to report. As of the time of play was called:

Sergio Garcia had finished only one hole, and stood tied for eighth, three shots back.

Padraig Harrington was through 8 holes, and tied for 28th, six back.

Phil Mickelson was through 5 holes and stands tied for 17th, four shots back.

In the one bright spot of the shortened day, Anthony Kim is +3 on his round, through 11 holes, and stands tied for 42nd, nine shots back. Way to go, A-K!

That’s it for today. Hopefully we can get this thing done tomorrow, so everyone can lose like they’re supposed to!

ULTRA-DISASTER!!!!!

This couldn’t possibly have gone worse! Let’s take a look at the contestants and see how they’re attempting to destroy my life!

ANTHONY KIM is tied for 39th, 11 shots back, so the one saving grace is that he is not gonna win this shit. Suck it, Anthony Kim! LIKELIHOOD: 1, SEVERITY: 9, TOTAL: 9

LEFTY is tied for 13th, six shots back. Not toooooooo worried about this, but it’s been done before, so, LIKELIHOOD: 3, SEVERITY: 8, TOTAL: 24.

SERGIO GARCIA is tied for FOURTH, three FUCKING shots back. This is making me nauseous even to type! To think he’s this close! Sure, seeing him fail after getting such a taste would be terribly sweet, but this is TOO close! LIKELIHOOD: 9, SEVERITY: 6, TOTAL: 54.

But the real bad news is:

PADRAIG HARRINGTON shot an unbelievable 66 in the third round, after bitching all yesterday that he was just tooooo tired and tooooo distracted after winning the British, and that he just didn’t have it this week. Know what? FUCK YOU, Paddy. He currently stands tied with Sergio in fourth, three shots back. If he repeats his third round performance in the upcoming fourth round, the whole year is a disaster. LIKELIHOOD: 9, SEVERITY: 10+, TOTAL: WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN!!!!!!!!

STAY TUNED! PLEASE DIE, ALL GOLFERS I HAVE MENTIONED IN THIS POST!

P.S. Rory Sabbatini!