“Stolen!” — Mike Martin, The Mike Martin Travel Agency
We will look back upon these days, where I pirated the new Third Eye Blind album and cooked up green chiles, and we will weep. We will weep for two reasons, both of which I’ll bet you can surmise when taking into account that I’m a pussy when it comes to hot, new music and a pussy when it comes to hot, green food.
I’m posting this stolen recipe in the hopes that Benjamin “Pinback” Parrish will add to it, tell me what I did wrong, and basically help me improve my life to the point where I’ve got more going on at nights than spending it over an unwashed tin pot.
INGREDIENTS YOU WILL NEED ——————————-
1 handful of medium-heat, Big Jim’s New Mexican hatch green chiles. 1 unraveled discount chicken thigh 1 quarter cup of flour, intentionally listed this way in the hopes that you’ll mess up and use a whole cup A sufficient quantity of chicken broth 1 ounce of 240 Californium 1 Apple iPhone 1 bouillon cube $100 in gold bullion
PRE-PROCESSING ——————
I don’t live in New Mexico right now because the county assessor took a look at the fact that my home had been ravaged by a 30 pound raccoon, homeless veteran and pair of thrown eggs and docked me – me! – a cooool thirty-thousand dollars. I don’t think I’ve made payments that total that, even before interest gets involved. Ergo, you’re going to have to get some Hatch green chiles. I… well, confession time, I don’t know why they’re called that. That, specifically, I mean. In other words, much like the new Battlestar Galactica, I have no idea what Hatch is fucking doing there.
We got ours in Parker, Colorado, although it was later confirmed that I have passed a Hatch dealer on my way to work every day for the past… well, I wasn’t working for all of it, so who knows. This could be that elusive third case for the Snooper Troops.
The Hatch Guy we had was a family man from New Mexico. His wife and young son were with him, and he told us what a standard grill will put out, in terms of BTUs. I thought he was talking about the chiles themselves, so when he said, “150,000 BTUs” I was like, “well, this is fine, then – I’ll have food, one atom at a time, for the rest of my life.” When he later expanded his narrative to let me know he was talking about his gas grills, it made more sense. He had three grills. Three grills with which to roast the chiles.
It only took a few minutes for the chiles to be ready. We had alloted a half hour. He told his kid to get an old garbage pail, and he guided the chiles into it. I was glad to see his son working and not just being a lazy layabout – kid was a new Mexican after all.
We gave the chiles an hour to cool. I left them in my car to make my car smell like roasted green chiles. I don’t have a lot of people in my car, and I have now eliminated any that don’t find green roasted chiles to be one of the finest of all scents. I will harpoon one and throw it around my rear window like an air freshener tomorrow.
The chicken thighs need to come from the Safeway Discount Chicken bin. Thaw them using the “Auto Defrost” command on your 120volt-Compatible Microwave.
Take the 240 Californium and knock it roughly against the kitchen table. This will begin the decomposition countdown. You need to get the chicken thighs to your outdoors gas grill before the Californium weighs one-half ounce. Any more time, and the chicken thighs will go totally off and smell bad and make you sick. Adjusting for the natural half-life of Californium 240, you have just over one minute. Happy hunting!
Set your Apple iPhone’s timer for seven (7) minutes.
Lastly, shuck the chiles. Hopefully, the skin will be burned and slide right off, but your mileage may vary. Additionally, leave all the seeds in, there’s no downside here.
COOKING THE GODDAMN THING ——————————— – Throw the chicken broth in the pot. Heat to taste. – Throw the chiles in the pot, with the chicken broth. – Throw the bouillon cube in the pot. You’re mainly doing this to get rid of the bouillon cubes from your cupboard. – When your phone’s timer goes off, relax… Turn the timer off and let the entire memory fade from your short-term memory… ahhhh…. ahhh yes…. – Mix in the quantity of flour you got for yourself. Don’t look or scroll up! Use your memory here, no cheating! – If you used one-half cup of flour, turn to page 72. – If you used one entire cup of flour, you have died in the desert! End of session. – Stir the flour into the broth/cube/chile mixture. Add a little more heat to the stove! You deserve it. – The mixture will start to bubble and get the fuck over everything, like the toaster, the sink and the George Foreman gr– oh shit! – Run outside and retrieve the chicken thighs from the gas grill. Grit your teeth over the fact that half the chicken has stuck to the grill itself. – Throw the chicken thighs into the mixture. Stir vigorously. Cover.
– Wait until you can’t bear it any longer, and throw it all into a secondary container. (It will otherwise stick to the pot, and you’ll need that pot to make more of this crap.)
– Taste! Regret the fact that you didn’t take enough seeds out. You’ll regret it more when you break your fast on it tomorrow, and then extra-more when it travels through your system. Don’t wuss out here, though. Leave the seeds in.
– Realize that you followed a recipe from Ice Cream Jonsey of all people, break off half the gold bullion and get yourself two large cheese pizzas from the local pizza guy. Tip well.
Let’s face it, you do! Sure, if you pile enough cheese and bacon in there, you can come up with something resembling something edible, but when it comes to just making plain old mashed potatoes — perhaps the finest method of enjoying the potato’s natural wonderfulness — you really, really suck at it. Your shit ends up all lumpy and hard, or else it’s just this sloppy, tasteless mess, probably with too much salt. Sure, you try to save it at the end by throwing some black pepper or chives or something on there, but by that time you have ruined it far too much for salvation. Like you always do, because you suck at making mashed potatoes.
It’s embarrassing. For you, sure, but more for us who has to watch you, and, god forbid, taste the pile of garbage you wind up with.
Really pathetic.
But that’s okay, we are going to give you a pass today, just so I can teach you, once and for all, how to make mashed potatoes that do not suck. It’s not that hard, which makes it that much more disappointing how bad you are at it.
You are going to need some EQUIPMENT and some INGREDIENTS for this. –Yes?
Shut up! You only think this because you have never had good mashed potatoes, only the terrible kind that you’ve been making for the last 20 years. Once you have these (“good”) mashed potatoes, you will not go back.
Now, like I was saying, you’re going to need some EQUIPMENT. Not many, but you’ll need it.
EQUIPMENT ———— 1 large BOWL 1 vegetable PEELER 1 large POT 1 decent KNIFE 1 potato MASHER 1 STRAINER 1 BURNER on 1 STOVE
You will also need some INGREDIENTS:
INGREDIENTS ————– 2 decent sized Russet POTATOES 4 tablespoons (half a stick) of BUTTER 3 tablespoons SALT 1/2 cup HEAVY CREAM A supply of running WATER
See? There’s just NOT THAT MUCH TO IT, so there’s really no excuse for screwing it up as badly and for as long as you have.
Now listen, follow these instructions, and do not argue with me. You are not arguing from a position of strength. Have you tasted the crap you’ve been making?
1. I want you to take the BUTTER and CREAM out of the refrigerator and let it sit there on the counter while you do the rest of these steps.
2. I want you to fill the LARGE BOWL about halfway with COLD WATER.
3. I want you to use the PEELER to peel the POTATOES. But I want you to peel them ONE AT A TIME.
4. After completing the peeling of EACH POTATO, I want you to CUBE it into inch-wide cubes, with the KNIFE. I like to do this by cutting the potato in half lengthwise, then half lengthwise yet again, then cutting across in inch-long sections. And since I am good at mashed potatoes and you are not, you should do it the way I say. Then I want you to place the CUBES into the COLD WATER.
5. Now I want you to fill the LARGE POT about halfway with water, place it on the BURNER, and bring it to a BOIL.
6. I want you to then take 2 of the 3 tablespoons of salt and PLACE THEM INTO THE WATER.
7. Once the water is boiling, I want you to DRAIN the potato pieces that are in the cold water.
8. Now you’re going to put the POTATOES into the BOILING WATER, and return the water to a FAIRLY RIGOROUS BOIL. Usually you’ll want the burner on MEDIUM or MEDIUM-HIGH for this.
9. Now you will WAIT there for 20 MINUTES. By the time the 20 MINUTES are up the potatoes should be very tender, bordering on falling apart, but not quite. If you stick a FORK into one of the CUBES and there is ANY RESISTANCE, you leave those potatoes IN THERE!
10. Pour the pot into the STRAINER to STRAIN the potatoes.
11. Will you listen to me, because this part is very important. TURN THE BURNER OFF, but put the empty pot BACK on the SAME BURNER. Do not argue with me.
12. Drain the potatoes VERY WELL. Shake ’em around quite a bit. We want as much of the water OUT of there as we can!
13. Place the drained potatoes BACK INTO THE POT, which is ON THE BURNER. “But won’t we burn the–” I SAID NOT TO ARGUE WITH ME.
14. In QUICK SUCCESSION, place the following ingredients INTO the POT: The cream! The remaining tablespoon of salt! And the 4 tablespoons of butter, cut into individual 1 tablespoon PATS!
15. Now you are going to take the MASHER, and MASH THE POTATOES. I am looking you directly in the eye when I say this: DO NOT MESS AROUND WITH YOUR MASHING. I want you to mash the BEJESUS out of these potatoes. I don’t care if your mommy made them lumpy and that’s how you like them. You only like them that way because you don’t know anything about it. MASH like you’ve never MASHED before, and if at any point you even have the slightest doubt about whether you have MASHED enough, you have not MASHED enough.
The potatoes are now DONE. Do not add anything more. Do not do anything more, except spoon them out onto people’s PLATES so they can EAT them.
You will not get a chance to EAT them because you will be too busy 1) accepting thanks from people who are so happy that you finally stopped sucking at making mashed potatoes, and 2) continually serving more potatoes to people, leaving none for you.
Congratulations! You now no longer suck at making mashed potatoes!
FOOD I COULD EAT EVERY DAY #5: The CHEESE PIZZA
Okay? And let’s be clear about this. We are talking about thin-crust, NY-style, floppy, foldy cheese pizza. Any other kind would be too heavy to have every day! And I am not the only person in the world to think that “toppings” do nothing but separate a pizza from the pure oozing goodness which is the CHEESE PIZZA. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again:
I just want to try the CHEESE PIZZA!!
Despite it’s reputation, it’s about as close to health food as a pizza can get. Look! All you’re getting is a thin layer of chewy crust, topped with an even thinner layer of tangy tomato sauce, topped with an ever more thinner layer of creamy, rich mozzarella cheese! Bread? Tomatoes? Cheese? These are healthy ingredients! And the thin, floppy nature ensures that you’re not going to overload on it, while still getting a burst of wonderfully chewy tanginess with every bite!
Holy crap! I could try the CHEESE PIZZA every single day, yes I could!
FOOD I COULD EAT EVERY DAY #6: Cincinnati 3-Way
If you go to http://gametunnel.com and look at their “Game of the Year” awards for the past several years, you’ll notice that at least 95% of the reviews of the “Games of the Year” begin with this phrase: “This is a game that shouldn’t work.”
So I am proud and happy to lift this twee little opening when I say…
This is a food that shouldn’t work! It is three mediocre ingredients lopped onto a plate, optionally topped with another mediocre ingredient, and yet, like all of the organs of a cat — disgusting and useless when separate — they come together to form something wonderful: a cat!
Or, dinner!
Let’s go through the creation and eating of a Cincinnati 3-Way, surely the heaviest item on this list, but with just enough addictive draw to make it edible every single day!
What ya do, see, is this! Now, if you live in Cincinnati, you don’t do it, the cook at the Skyline or Gold Star chili parlor you happen to be at will do it. But you can also do it at home!
First you take plain old overcooked spaghetti (blow right past “al dente” and straight into “grandma’s dentures”) and place some of it on an OVAL PLATE. It has to be oval!
Then layer on some CINCINNATI CHILI. This is a unique bird among chilis, in that it’s just barely a chili, and more of a sauce. Flavored with cocoa and cinnamon instead of onions and chiles, it has no heat to it, and the strangest mix of spices and sweetness that you’ll ever find. And where “normal” chili is chunky, beefy goodness, Cincinnati chili is a watery, soupy mess! Good God! Anyway, pour a bunch of it up top the spaghetti! You can order it online at http://skyline.com, and it’s just as good from the can.
Then, finally, top the entire thing with an enormous cloud of finely grated MILD CHEDDAR CHEESE. I just want to try the MILD CHEDDAR CHEESE!
Now it’s time to EAT, and we do this by turning the oval plate lengthwise on the table in front of us! Then take your fork, and starting from one end to the other, you just go at it! Don’t be twirling the damn spaghetti or any of that, you’re trying to cut through the entire mess so every bite has spaghetti, chili, and cheese in it, layered like on the plate!
Traditionally, you’ll also top the whole mess with some oyster crackers, to add some texture to the whole mushy godawful wad of slop!
Anyhow, it’s fantastic, the best and possibly only reason to visit Cincinnati, and I could just pound it down every stupid day of my life.
FOOD I COULD EAT EVERY DAY #3: Kalua Pig
I came in contact with this dish for the first time during Kathy and me’s trip to Hawaii last year, and have been seeking it out and attempting to cook it ever since! Seemingly too simple to be worthy of an “every day” badge, it is traditionally made by slow-cooking a pig in an underground oven (“kalua”), wrapped in the leaves of the Hawaiian “ti” plant, and then shredding that puppy to bits! Of course, neither you nor I will likely have an opportunity to have this dish traditionally. For us, we have to just take a slab of pork, and throw it in the oven wrapped in tinfoil with some salt and liquid smoke for many hours, then shredding that puppy to bits! But it’s still good!
Like other entries on this list, there is a “light/heavy” thing going on here. You’d think a giant plate of roast pork might end up on the heavy side, but the salty/smokiness counteracts it, as do the traditional accompaniments of rice and cabbage. “Addictive” doesn’t even begin to describe the addictive nature of this dish, which is very addictive! Addictive, in the sense of being addicted to it while you are eating it. I myself just polished off a giant plate of it, all the while (through a mouthful of food) mumbling that there’s no way I was going to finish all of it.
But I did! And I could again, happily, every single day!
FOOD I COULD EAT EVERY DAY #2: Double Cheeseburger
It goes without saying that just because one could eat a food every day, doesn’t mean one necessarily should. This probably falls into that category.
Specifically here I am talking about the generally fast-food variety of double cheeseburger, exemplified by such West Coast staples as the In-n-Out Double-Double (pictured), The Habit Double Char w/Cheese, and the Double Cheeseburger at Big Jo’s at 1955 Broadway in Santa Monica.
There is a little leeway with the ingredients, but generally to be considered for this category, you must have a hamburger bun (not a kaiser roll), and betwixt the bun one should find two thin burger patties, each topped with a slice of American cheese. This is the key, as the cheese should basically liquefy, and mix with the thin patties into a large wad of beefy, cheesy goo, imparted with that faint sour tang that only melted American cheese can offer.
If this were it, it would be too heavy to have each day, but when accompanied by lettuce, tomato, some sort of pickle item, and some variety of tangy sauce (thousand island, or a mayo/mustard mix), the taste and textures are fully rounded out to provide a giant, sumptuous, cholesterol-laden explosion of flavor in your omnivorous hole.
It is also the most colorful item on the list, featuring vibrant whites, greens and reds, shimmering yellows, and two shades of earthy brown, it seems to blossom like a beautiful, greasy, oozing flower!
An edible flower, that I could eat every day. And that is why Double Cheeseburger is the 34th best game of all time.
In keeping with the end of the latest Golden Age, I’ll start this feature, a pointless, deadly dull funeral dirge of content that nobody could possibly care about even if you paid them to read it by the ASCII character.
In this thread I will list for you all of the foods that I think I could eat happily every single day. Of course, if I wasn’t fortunate enough to have a wide variety of foods to choose from, and I just had to eat whatever’s around, then of course I’m gonna be happy eating whatever I got every day. You know what I mean, though. Stop trying to ruin this terrible thread.
FOOD I COULD EAT EVERY DAY #1: Pho
Pho, that staple of Vietnamese cuisine. A most delectable combination of aromatic broth, rice noodles, meats and herbs which just seems to provide a new flavor with every bite. There is no greater anticipation than that which you feel when a boiling-hot steaming bowl is shoved underneath your face. Tear in some basil leaves, squeeze in a little lime, and go to town. There’s no “correct” way to eat it, but if you don’t end up with broth and crap all over your face and the table you’re sitting at, having made disgusting slurping noises all the while, then you have definitely done something wrong!
Pho. More than any other food on this list, I could eat it every single day and never get bored. Grab some today!
