BEER: Lobster Lovers Beers

Ah, Lobster Lovers Beer, crafted by our foreign friends at Rinkuškiu Alaus Darykla, the makers of such wonderful-sounding brews as Uosto, Biržiečiu, Žaibo, and Werewolf. Entirely unfamiliar with the rich Lithuanian language, I can only attempt a guess as to their exact meaning. For all I know, it could be Cat, Movie, Peanut, and Werewolf. While Rinkuškiu pumps out over ten different offerings year-round, you only have two real options:

-European Pale Lager
-European Strong Lager

Here’s a snippet of information from their website (translated by Google):

“Rinkuškiai beer is natural. Only pure high quality water, original yeast, hops and traditional light malt is used for production. For some brands caramel malt is used. No pees, rice and other non-malt products are used for Rinkuškiai beer production. All Rinkuskiai beer brands produced individual way, using natural fermentation process, after fermentation no additional water.”

No pees! Whew, that’s a huge relief.

With its bright, crystal clear golden body, its tall, creamy white head, and gentle effervescence, the beer does genuinely look pleasant. The aroma reveals a sweet-smelling pale malt scent with fruity apple and pungent floral hop notes. This carries through into the flavor with a dialed up sweetness, a particularly pungent alcohol presence, and a faint hint of citrus. All in all, it’s about what you’d expect from a Euro Strong, no more, no less. By the way, for me, many of these strong European lagers seem more akin to America’s own brown-bagged malt liquors.

While lobster is most definitely a food I could eat every day, the thought of a Lobster Lovers Beer every single goddamn day presents a future both grim and cheerless and one which I’d fight to prevent with John Connor-styled fierceness.

To Lobsters (and their Lovers)!! To No Pees!! To Jolt Country!!

Get ready, because if you thought Tomato World was a blast, wait until we start talking pandan.

Goodbye, everybody! I’m off to Pandan Land!

…

That’s two for flinching!

BEER: Laughing Buddha’s Pandan Brown Ale

Laughing Buddha, operating out of Seattle, Washington, is steadfastly dedicated to their flagship motto of “crafting modern Asian-style beers”. That’s a rather tall order! Their business model is both simple and straight-forward: push the brews into every local Thai, Japanese, and Chinese restaurant. In addition to the Pandan Brown, their line-up also includes a Ginger Pale Ale and a Mango Weizen, all of which will certainly stand out against the all too typical Asian rice-based lagers.

You may be asking yourself: “What’s a pandan?” Well, let me first say there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling ashamed or embarrassed by being unfamiliar with pandan. I, too, felt a tiny twinge of shame for having to rely on Wikipedia to fill my head with pandan-related knowledge.

OK, hit me with another!

Ah yes, didn’t we all grow up with a few kids like that?

Oh, and in addition to the fermentables found within the grains, Laughing Buddha has thrown in a fermentable sugar: palm sugar, also an ingredient found in many Thai dishes.

Both the aroma and flavor deliver the archetypical brown ale qualities: chocolate, caramel, lightly fruity esters, a slight breadiness. Galena hops deliver a restrained, spicy bitterness. Beyond that, you have the pandan leaves imparting a noticeable nuttiness and what would be adequately described as a very mild, savory vegetal quality to it.

Is it a disappointment? Hardly! The pandan adds a bit of Asian-style uniqueness to what can, in all honesty, be a real ho-hum style at times and while you will not find “Pandan Brown Ale” mentioned within the Buddhist Noble Eightfold Path or listed under the Four Noble Truths, it should be welcome in anyone’s list of “Flavorful, Yet Relatively Refreshing Browns”.

During this time of the year, my thoughts, as I’m sure yours do, often turn to red, ripe tomatoes. So, I was more than pleased to take up Vitriola’s suggestion of Bud Light Chelada, a beer containing: Clamato, salt, lime flavoring, and, rumor has it, some actual beer. Friends, this could very well be the fight of my life.

So, goodbye, everyone!! I’m disappearing into Tomato World one last time.

BEER: Bud Light chelada

I know, right? No tomato-based complaining, please. Besides, Pinback wouldn’t want you to bitch.

With an info blurb mentioning “Latino love” and having a can where almost every word slapped across it is in Spanish, I have a sneaky suspicious I’m not AB’s target audience. Even choosing Bud Light Chelada could’ve proved to be disatrous, as I wasn’t entirely positive it was available in my area. Thankfully, my local gasoline purveyor delivered the goods, or, at least, had said goods for sale in 24 ounce, big-ass cans. Mose down at the Shell station even said it was “a fine seller”. No, Mose, you’re the fine seller. He also took the opportunity to recommend Schlitz High Gravity V.S.L, but that’ll have to wait for another time.

FD&C Red Dye #40, in terms of appearance, with a fizzy, pinkish head on top, it’s simply far too cheery-looking to raise much of a fuss. What harm could a Strawberry Shortcake-hued brew really do?

In terms of aroma and flavor, this concoction is somewhat akin to a thin tomato soup. Yeah, that’s certainly one way of putting it, but it’s not just any thin tomato soup we’re dealing with. Throw in some vegetable stock, a questionably high amount of celery salt, a few hearty squirts of premium ketchup, a pinch of salt, a splash of light beer, and you’ll be on the right track. A hint of lime adds a tiny hit of acidity. Mercifully, I don’t pick up any clams. The beer finishes with a watery flourish and an all-too-telling Latino wink.

“I’ve just sucked one year of your life away.” –Count Rugen

Once, while attending the Great American Beer Festival some years ago, I had a chance to meet Michael Jackson, the Beer Hunter, the celebrated author of many a beer book. During a brief exchange, he gave me this snippet of advice: “When it comes to new beer styles, Gerrit, you’ve got to grow and become more open-minded; accept tomatoes, maybe even embrace tomatoes.” At the time, I dismissed the comment, thoroughly sure that his advanced age and decades of getting soused had rendered him completely senile.

Looking back, though… maybe he was on to something. No hard feelings, Michael, right?

Overall, Bud Light Chelada isn’t as entirely foul or offensive as one might rightly imagine it to be. I didn’t once spit up on myself! I never once accused it of being a life-altering nightmare! That being said, I don’t see myself returning to this one anytime soon. In fact, you had all better cherish this one final trip to Tomato World, because that’s pretty much it for the tomato beers.

Though, while I may be fresh out of tomato beers this is hardly the end. I’m happy to report there is an endless array of beers left to bore you with, and, after having braved the perils of Tomato World, let me be the first to say: there’s nowhere to go but up, baby!!

As I arrived at the local watering hole this past Saturday night, I found my dear friend, my drinking colleague hunched grotesquely over the bar softly weeping into a half-empty glass of pale yellow beer. He’s not one often moved to tears, so I simply had to ask, “Why so glum?” Maintaining no more than a faint fluttering breath he nonchalantly pointed in the direction of the now warm beer. Picking up the pint glass, I asked, “Was this the beer that made you cry, cry baby?” He nodded slowly, still staring blankly at the wall behind the bar. Well! A beer that makes grown men weep. Figured I might as well see what all the fuss was about. Getting the bartender’s attention, the very same bartender who supplied me with the Short’s Bloody Bar, I put in my order. I’ll have what Weeps is having.

And the hits just keep on coming! Here’s what hit the bar this time:

BEER: Sprecher – Mamma Mia! Pizza Beer

Uh-oh. Another one? Yes! Another one! Fuck, that bartender’s got some axe to grind.

So, goodbye, everyone!! Once more, I’m disappearing into Tomato World.

“Unfiltered American Ale Brewed With Basil, Oregano, Tomato and Garlic.”

Created by Tom and Athena Seefurth of Campton Township, Illinois in his lifelong pursuit to combine two of the world’s great loves, pizza and beer. Some say it’s the best pizza beer around. Feh! If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this… Oh, but I’ll give it a chance, as I’m a real sucker for unique beer it seems.

Hm. Not to brag, but, it’s a Pizza Parade, babies! Hands down, no question, it is pizza-y. That was the aim of Mister and Missus Seefurth and they achieved it. The nose is slathered in spicy, chunky, robust tomato sauce primarily, with just a slight bready background note. This, of course, carries over into the taste. Along the way, other flavors begin to develop — some sweetish dough here, some chiffonade basil there. Even a pinch of red pepper spiciness. Oh, and packed with fresh garlic. Ah, the power of garlic. As with any pie, it’s more of the same till the end, though the spices still had legs and carried on well past the finish. As you drink it down, the various flavors really start to come together as it slowly bakes in your gut, all of it settling vaguely under the definition of “pizza”, at least in terms of flavor and aroma. No complaints here. However, as with Short’s Bloody Beer, I just can’t see myself calling on this beer every day. Not bad at all, though. Easily the best pizza beer on the market.

For the last several weeks, it’s been same old, same old. Another pilsner, another amber, maybe a couple pale ales. Three stouts. So, while at the bar this past weekend, I couldn’t help bemoaning the sad fact that I’m WAAAAY overdue for something different, something one-of-a-kind. That’s when the bartender kindly informed me there indeed was something different, something one-of-a-kind available: something from Short’s Brewing, a brewery known for their exceptionally unique (if not downright wacky) hand-crafted beers. I at once became agitated with excitement and started pacing the room, glass in hand, like a caged jungle cat (with glass in paw).

Here’s what hit the bar:

BEER: Short’s Brewing – Bloody Beer

“Specialty Beer fermented with Roma tomatoes and spiced with tellicherry peppercorns, celery seed, fresh horseradish and dill.”

Jesus Christ.

One of my drinking colleagues wouldn’t even give the bottle a second glance, noting “that shit sounds made-up” before storming out of the room in a huff. I can’t entirely blame him, either. I was certainly inclined to agree, but rather than cuss the sad bastard out or throw some sort of tizzy, I just poured myself a tall glass and knocked it back, man. Knocked it right the fuck back!

Goodbye, everyone!! I’m disappearing into Tomato World.

Bloody Beer sports a clearish, amberesque body with a small, though lasting, white head. OK, well, it doesn’t exactly look like a Bloody Mary. Cool by me, though, as it’s an absolute treat to smell. The various components come through full and distinct in the nose; you can easily pick out the tomatoes, horseradish, dill, and various spices. Yes, yes, it’s all coming together, it’s starting to remind me more and more of… a Red Eye (basically, a cocktail made with lager and Bloody Mary mix). At the fore is a nice, distinct, though not overdone horseradish and black pepper spiciness. Don’t worry, though, the roma tomatoes are totally in the hizzy, but they simply impart a somewhat mild, lightly sweetish tomato character for the spices and seasonings to rest on. Along the way you also pick up hints of sugar and rock salt. It’s relatively light in body, thankfully not sitting nearly as heavy on the palate or in the stomach as a regular Bloody Mary. And for those wondering: no, it never abandons the charade, tasting of Bloody Mary from start the finish.

All in all, I liked it, but I wouldn’t make a habit of it. That being said, Short’s set themselves a definite goal to reach and really delivered in terms of honest-to-goodness Bloody Mary taste. Unique specialty beers hit the beer scene all the time and oftentimes they fall way, way short of delivering on their promises, so kudos to Short’s in that regard.

If I’m ever fortunate enough to cross paths with some of their other beers, such as the Abnormal Genius (brewed with sunflower seeds and honey) or the Smoked Apple Ale (an amber ale jacked up with seven bushels of apple wood smoked apples), I’ll greet them with an open mind and heart.

It’s hard to believe that nearly six years have gone by since Jolt Country, The Great On-Line Empire first came online. And Ben Parrish, with his razor-sharp wit, has been entertaining us from day one. As his posts number well into the thousands, it is clear to see Ben Parrish’s contribution to this BBS has been immense. It is undeniable! Our time is somewhat limited, so I can’t possibly begin to summarize them, so be sure the swing by The Best Of base on your way out. At times he was a bit of a bully, having verbally flogged nearly everyone on the memberlist at one point or another. At times he was quiet and peaceful, with a subdued wisdom infusing his many posts. Some found they were drawn viscerally to his posts, while still others decided to leave the site forever because of them. But love him or hate him, one thing’s for sure, the man TELLS it like it is and his posts always make for an interesting read. Today’s toast is to our dear friend, Ben “Pinback” Parrish.

BEER: Bell’s HopSlam Ale

Today, I’ve chosen a brew from Bell’s, a well-respected craft brewery from Kalamazoo, Michigan. I believe it was Ben who once told me that hops were the “heart and soul” of any good beer, so I felt a double (or imperial) IPA to be a fitting choice for his toast. Double IPA’s are India Pale Ales on a daily HGH regimen and subjected to varying levels of gamma radiation. This produces a hop profile and alcohol content of considerable strength. Let’s get to the beer, we don’t have a moment to waste!

Bell’s HopSlam pours out a bright, translucent orangey body topped by a dense cap of ivory foam. Alright, now lean in close and get a big whiff of that aroma. Wow, they ain’t fucking around. Incredibly redolent scent almost stinking of fresh ruby red grapefruit, pineapple rings, passion fruit, and honeydew melon. Smells wonderful. The taste provides a subtly sweet pale maltiness which is obscured, and right so, by the extreme hoppiness of this fine beer. Wave after wave of intense, juicy tropical fruit hop flavors wash over the palate. Each new sip delivers a moderate kick of potent bitterness (some would even say 4 Whimpering Faggots out of 5!). The 10% abv is very well hidden amidst so many superb hop flavors. At last, HopSlam finishes bittersweet with a long, lingering tropical fruitiness.

With 70 tongue-searing IBUs, HopSlam is a true Double India Pale Ale, and it never hides behind a suspiciously malt-heavy grain bill and toothsome sweet caramel flavors more suited to a barleywine. After four years, still the most important name in hops.

Ben Parrish, along with Robb, breathed a rich life into this BBS. Hell, they owned this place. They are the giants on who’s shoulders this site stands. So, let me take this opportunity to extend my sincere gratitude to Ben for giving us so much. Thanks, pal. Many years from now people will continue to look back on your work here with reverence and awe. I truly hope one day to sit down with my friend, Ben, perhaps over a Bell’s HopSlam, and fondly reminisce about our bygone Jolt Country days.

“I hope.” –Morgan Freeman

In case you’re a newer member of the BBS, do yourself a favor, go read all previous ROCKER posts in the Troll Room archives. You’ll be glad you did. ROCKER was the ballsiest, rockingest guy in the whole world. They’ll be a few pages back, but you should have no trouble locating them, as there was nothing obscure, nothing plain about the ROCKER.

And it worked, I tell you what. His posts and animated gifs had everyone from Roody to One of the Bruces looking forward to Friday, until one day, when, for no good, he left us…forever! In the years since, I’ve been checking the Troll Room irregularly, hoping to see a return of his unique brand of Fridaytime RAWQ, but he’s been gone for many years now. Although, if Matedire can return to us (minus the $200, of course), then surely… surely ROCKER can RAWCK us one last time.

BEER: Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor

It never fails. You can always find at least a few half-finished bottles of Mickey’s scattered around Atlanta park benches. Sure, it’s warm and completely flat, but it’s free.

I hunkered down beside the bench, wiped some sediment from the rim, and took a deep gulp from it. TASTY! Sweetish and refreshing, with that industrial chemical soaked corn taste I love. Slight metallic aftertaste. Hang in there till the last drop is gone, you’ll be glad you did. It’s a shame they redesigned the bottles, getting cut by those peel-back metal tabs was part of the fun.

People have been known to gripe about vicious 3-day hangovers from drinking Mickey’s, but c’mon, guys, don’t knock it till you’ve drank it for at least a couple weeks straight. At least have one for old friend ROCKER.

To ROCKER!! To Friday!! To Jolt Country!!

Let’s bring it down a notch for Tuesday, take it easy, remain calm, and keep it well under 5.5% abv.

Without engaging in a lengthy, coma-inducing definition of the term “session beer”, let’s just says it’s:

A cultural term originating in the UK pertaining to beers, typical cask-conditioned milds or ordinary bitters, that do not generally exceeding 4 percent alcohol by volume so as to allow the drinker to remain of relatively sound mind for the duration of the “session”.

Although, that should not mean beers that are weak, thin, or shamefully boring in every way. Instead, we’re looking for beers that are low in alcohol, easy to imbibe, yet still manage to PUMP IT UP in terms of flavor.

BEER: Pilsner Urquell (4.4%)

First off, I simply must mention the new presentation for this, the classic pilsner. Tall, golden cans with a classy-looking inlaid design. Delightful! Anyway, it exits the can a cheery, sunflower gold body and all at once sets to work forming a thick, foamy white head. The aroma, sporting a hint of bread, showcases the richly aromatic Saaz hop with an exquisite blend of flowers and spice. Pilsner Urquell inbues the palate with the breadiness of a fresh sliced baquette along with a light honeyed sweetness wrought from its sturdy pils malt backbone. The Saaz hops, prominent in their floral spiciness, also lend the beer a balancing zip of bitterness and leaves the brew to finish with a light, lingering spice. The soft Bohemian water helps it achieve a medium body accentuated by a soft carbonation. Over one hundred sixty years later and still one of the best pilsners brewed anywhere.

Oh, and for Christ sake stick to either can or draft ONLY. Otherwise, you open yourself up to widely varying degrees of freshness and light-struck taint.

Recommended Food Pairing: garbage plate

More session-minded beers to follow!

I’ve heard several good things regarding Full Sail’s Session Premium Lager. Heck, it’s got the word “session” slapped across the front label. Too bad they don’t distribute this far east of the Mississippi…

“I only wish… Ben were here.” — Luke Skywalker

To Jolt Country!!

Since we won’t be together for this year’s International Fruit Day (July 1st), I hereby declare today Fruit Monday. So, to each and everyone of you, I heartily wish you a Happy Fruit Monday!

Brewing with fruit is fairly commonplace in today’s craft beer industry, with most brewers having at least one fruit beer in their arsenal. Aside from the rigid stipulation that it be a beer either brewed or flavored with fruit, fruit juices, or fruit extracts, there are no other rules whatsoever – the sky’s the limit, baby! The result is an endless array of diverse beers, from a tart and exceedingly funky Cantillon Framboise, to a sugar-soaked Lindemans Pêche “lambic”, to a Dark Horse Raspberry Ale or even a Bell’s Cherry Stout.

BEER: Sweetwater Blue

To be honest, the bulk of fruit beers available on the market today are brewed with light, refreshing, summertime drinking in mind. Plus, the ladies love’m! Even my friend Natalie admits fruit beers to being “a fun beer for ladies.” Sweetwater Blue follows the standard, unspoken template for such fruit beers:

• pale golden-yellow color
• lots of fruit and faint malt on the nose
• mild, lightly fruity flavor
• light, spritzy body that borders on being watery

With Blue, what you’ll get is mostly the essence of blueberries (through what I fully suspect to be use of an artificial extract), and not a dominating fruit flavor. Fruit aside, the beer is a light-bodied, well balanced blonde ale. You’ll taste the sweet pale maltiness, and each sip brings a slight hop bite and ends with a crisp finish. Sweetwater Blue is readily available year-round, and is a sure sight at many local outdoor events and concerts.

Thankfully, some brewers deflty utilize fruit to impart exciting, new complexities to their beers, for those times when you want a little some more.

BEER: New Glarus Belgian Red

Brewed with Montmorency Cherries (purportedly a pound of whole cherries per bottle), locally grown wheat, and Hallertau hops, the beer is then left to mature in 12 ft. tall oak tanks. Okay, great, let’s get to it. Murky ruby-hue capped by a flamingo-pink head appearance and harbors an aroma reeking of unabashed cherrynicity, there’s nothing fake or artificial about this beer. With a taste reminiscient of fruit leather, the flavor is certainly aggressive in it’s sheer determination to cram that pound of cherries down your damn throat. It deftly walks the fine line between sweet and tart and carries with it a jolt of juicy, cheek-pinching acidity. The malted wheat and hops definitely take a backseat to the deep, strong cherry fruitiness. God, I hope you like cherries. The high level of carbonation in the beer does well to bring a much-needed levity to what otherwise would be a thick, syrupy body. You do like cherries, right? Overall, a deliciously unique beverage, though I suspect some may be left angrily shouting the catchphrase “Where’s the Beer?”

To Fruit Monday!! To Jolt Country!!

Now if only I could find a fruit beer brewed with sweet, juicy nectarines…

BEER: Avery India Pale Ale

Avery’s IPA has the proud noteriety of being the brewery’s first beer to roll down their newly installed bottling line in 1996 as well as being their most popular brew by a wide margin. Right on. However, most JC’ers recognize Avery IPA as the official beer of the Army of Love.

With our hearts held firmly in one hand and a frosty, standard issue Avery IPA in the other, we marched head-first onto the battlefield in search of love and companionship. We troops experienced numerous encounters with the (sometimes ficticious) enemy over multiple tours of duty and forever gained a sense of brotherhood and comradierie that somehow carried us through the emotional onslaught.

Avery IPA pours a strikingly clear orange-gold body, forming a foamy, albiet short-lived white head. The malts leave the hops to dominate the aroma with bright notes of citrus and pineapple, as well as a hint of pine. As with the nose, the flavor is definitely hop-forward, with only a lean, yet somehow adequate malt backbone to support a peppy bitterness (listed at 69 IBU’s). Not afraid to show off its fruity side, the beer yields flavors of fresh grapefruit, juicy pineapple rings, and lemon wedges. Again, there’s only a hint of pine. The body remains relatively light and with ample carbonation, keeps the beer firmly held in easy-drinking territory. The finish is lasting, leaving you with a reminding bite that demands yet another sip. A beer so tasty, I fought the urge to have two more (unsuccessfully, but still).

Recommended Food Pairing: Anything on the menu at The Phoenix Palm.

Though the Army of Love was unceremoniously disbanded way back in 2005, this veteran’s thirst for a satisfying, flavorful Avery IPA has long endured.

To The Army of Love!! To Jolt Country!!