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Super Bowl Week: Nobody Knows Anything About Your Team
January 31st, 2010 by Ice Cream Jonsey

I had intended to write one column about the history of the New Orleans Saints for the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. Well, I have a lot of good intentions. So, in a nutshell – they lost a playoff game up 20-7 to the Philadelphia Eagles once – by a final score of 36-20… and they drafted like shit a bunch of times. I think we’re caught up!

I never really knew how little the rest of the world knows about YOUR football team. They don’t know shit, though! The entire concept of the NFL “expert” or commentator is laughable. I know The Onion just did a headline about this, and then expanded it with 500 tedious words, but I can’t think of another side industry that has unlikeable people speaking with authority on subjects they know little about and still getting everything constantly wrong.  Quick, name an NFL analyst you REALLY like. Odds are everyone you know hates that guy, or the dude sent cellphone pics of his cock to somebody. Possib- probably both.

This really revealed itself when discussions led to Reggie Bush. Now granted, I’m fairly fascinated with the arc of Reggie Bush’s career. He’s the most exciting player ever to wear black and gold. He has been the only player in NFL history to consistently amaze me with what he is able to do on the field, to get me out of my seat. When he’s been out for a few games, the real loss is the pleasure of watching him work. He’s oftentimes a superhero out there. He’s also made some of the worst decisions I’ve ever seen someone make at their job, and he has never been able to consistently string a series of amazing games together. But I’ve seen every single play of his professional career. There isn’t anything anyone can tell me about him as a Saint that I don’t already know. What’s alarming is that there isn’t anyone in the sports media who can tell you anything accurate about him either.

As bad as it’s been this year, it must have been even worse when the Arizona Cardinals made the Super Bowl last season. I think I’ve seen them play maybe … seven or eight times in my entire life? This includes when they were in St. Louis. And somehow I don’t think the crew of NFL Live – at least the on-air talent – is going back to review anything before speaking from a position of false knowledge. I guess I don’t even really expect them to, but having never heard so many people talk about my favorite football team before, it’s a bit amusing to see how much they get wrong. It’s like being let into a secret club (well, not entirely secret, but fans of the Browns, Lions, Jags and Texans are where I was a couple weeks ago) but the shibboleth to secret entry is knowing fuck-all about anything. If I ever meet an Arizona Cardinals fan, it’s something I’ll wish to discuss.

I’d like to write more, but I just got a call about appearing in the Pro Bowl, and frankly, I don’t have anything else going on. It’s a good thing there’s labor peace, a salary cap in place and no plans to move the draft to a Thursday or anything next year, since it would be a little worrying if the new and terrible commissioner had a chance to ruin those things as well. Enjoy the Super Bowl! Baseball got a lot more interesting after it changed things up in 94 just like football will.


One Response  
  • milker writes:
    February 3rd, 20103:17 pmat

    Moooshi Moooshi!


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