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Quit Fucking Around With Halloween
September 30th, 2008 by Ice Cream Jonsey

Guys: You make women feel terrible about how they dress and act 364 days a year. Especially if you’re on the Internet. Don’t you monsters DARE try to “recognize the irony” in the whole sexy bumblebee, sexy witch, sexy Princess Toadstool, sexy Female Arnold Rimmer phenomenon. You are all fucking retards for doing this. And almost all of you are doing this. I can hear your face screwed up in a wad of irony-recognition from here.

“Ewwwwww!!! Every costume for women is sexy this or sexy that! Ewwww!”

No shit, you dumb bastards. Yes, we live in a post-irony world where nobody tries to be genuinely funny. However, I have had more potential and realized dates come out of Halloween than any other holiday or gathering combined (except Rosh Hashanah, but that’s because technically, on that day, I don’t mind doing all the work). You’re not ruining this for me, you’re ruining it for yourselves. This loathing towards women on Halloween has been going on for a few years now. Your stupid “awareness” is not necessary and it is ultimately self-defeating.

While we’re here, those of you still going as the people from that Beastie Boys video: stop it. Every one of you after the first threesome to do it looks like fucking idiots. The rest of you aren’t remotely clever, and this is coming from someone who’s gone as the Joker four times. I eventually stopped though, because Jesus Christ. You’re not interesting or original, just go as the fucking Mario Brothers or, if you must, the Clockwork Orange guys. That’s still acceptable.

(I am okay with girls going as sexy Alex, sexy Georgie and sexy Dim.)

So, no, I am not okay with angry, aspie men telling women to not dress like strippers on Halloween. I am okay with me telling angry aspies what to do. Halloween goes in three phases, the Chocolate Candy, the Eye Candy, and the You Are All My Candy, and if we are going to make women feel bad about their choices in dress on that magical day, then I will turn you into my bitch, and not stop skullfucking you until all that is left is a small smattering of bone, brain, blood, good and plenty.

Also, enjoy the 2008 Interactive Fiction Competition, everybody. 


5 Responses  
  • robohara writes:
    October 1st, 200811:07 amat

    I don’t care what people dress up as, as long as they dress up. Last year we had more than one group of teenages come by in their street clothes. I’m putting up a new sign this year: “No Costume, No Candy.” I’m sure it’ll probably get my tires slashed or car keyed, but so be it.

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    October 1st, 200811:59 amat

    Haha – yeah, I saw a few like that last year. I should also stop writing these things right before sleep – why on earth did I freak out about Beastie Boy costumers?? I swear I don’t remember half this stuff 6 hours later. The guys I am hotlinking that photo from will probably be like, “F you, Jones!” and change it to goatse on me.

  • Ice Cream Jonsey writes:
    October 1st, 200812:01 pmat

    Argh, the photo is a big red x now, in fact!!

  • Wrong Pic Faily writes:
    October 1st, 20085:16 pmat

    An article about sexy Halloween costumes and the pic you decide on is the Sabotage guys?

    BOOOOOOOOOOOO

  • Wrong Pic Faily writes:
    October 1st, 20089:21 pmat

    I have nothing else to add, I just like that my name is “Wrong Pic Faily”.


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