Road Trip to Roswell

Road Trip to Roswell

by Robb

My company gives us time off each month. It really allows you to catch up on things like oil changes, Oblivion playing or, in the case of those people who might live with anywhere from one to four reptiles, air-conditioner-checking.


Well, this month, Vitriola and I decided to take a road trip to Roswell, New Mexico. I had never been to NM, and she had only been there long enough to lose her purse at a gas station en route to California. There were actually three attractions in New Mexico that were interesting to us:


1) The detonation of the first nuclear bomb by the US Government in 1945 on the Trinity site.


2) The crash of an alien spaceship 75 miles out from Roswell, NM, and then covered up by the US Government.


3) The existence of Santa Fe, a city that could have housed between 100 and 1,000,000 people for all I knew about it thanks to the fallacy of accuracy that is the census of the US Government... and my own inability to actually go find out, let's not blame Uncle Sam for everything here; I'm not typing this in mirrored shades and a hoodie, after all.


It was just over 400 miles from Longmont, Colorado to Santa Fe.


We actually ended up getting into New Mexico rather late, due to the fact that pigs were flying all over I-25 south, which was due to the Blue Jays taking two out of three twice from the Red Sox in a month... which caused quite the traffic jam. Haha, only kidding, nothing weird like that needs to happen to completely lock up I-25. Pigs could be flying, pigs could be traveling in those four-pig pig trailers, people could simply be thinking about pigs, pigs could be driving, it doesn't fucking matter. The photo you're about to see was taken on Friday morning, which is why the sun was out. It pretty much sums up New Mexico for me... or so I thought.

This is how I thought all of New Mexico would look.

A Yahoo IM log on this:

IceCreamJonsey: This is what the hotel looked like the first night.

Souffle of Pain: This picture was either retouched, or taken during the day, dipshit.

Souffle of Pain: If it was photoshopped, I congratulate you, you're getting better. If it was not, I pity you and am filled with wonder as to how you're able to make it to work every day, during the day.

IceCreamJonsey: It's either adobe or made to look like it's an adobe. It didn't stink inside, so I don't know what to think.

Souffle of Pain: Hotel, hotel, hotel, they made you out of clay.

IceCreamJonsey: With what it ran us to stay there, they could have made it out of THOUSAND DOLLAR BILLS.

We went shopping in Santa Fe, but I showed a remarkable amount of restraint... restraint that I set free in Roswell, but that's coming up. Here's something I did NOT buy in Santa Fe:


What is Spanish for "I have looked into your

soul and found only candy?"


... But I'm not going to kid anyone, I would have LOVED to have brought that horror home. It could have lived under the apartment stairs and fed off dog crap and ankles, both of which are in ample supply where I live. I was delighted to discover a severed head in the picture as well -- that was totally a bonus. Actually, thinking it over, maybe it was included as part of a set, in order to show how serious the Recyc Can Demon there is with that scythe. Who can tell, who can tell.

Vitriola thought it was rude for me to take a picture in the store where that abomination was without asking permission, so she picked up some earrings there. The earrings offered +2 protection against rudeness. The owner of the store was thrilled that we actually made a purchase. Very, VERY happy. A polar opposite to the beastie in the picture. That store wasn't big enough for both of them, I'm just saying, and I predict static in the near future. I don't know who is going to win, but the proprietor didn't have any shrunken heads nearby, if you're digging my ditch here.

Okay, Roswell.

Roswell is my new favorite city. The city I would live in, all things being equal. The previous high score belonged to Syracuse. Here's a fake Yahoo IM conversation about Syracuse, though.

IceCreamJonsey: Let's move to Syracuse.

Vitriola: Vitriola has logged off (forever)

But man, the people in Roswell were terrific, the food was delicious, the lodging cheap, the main strip interesting, the houses pleasant... and the aliens present! I didn't think so at first, though. When we got into town, I was expecting to see kids in grey aliens suits wandering the streets following trails of Reese's Pieces. But when we saw a sign welcoming us to Roswell, it simply read that Roswell was the dairy capital of the southwest.

The --->>dairy<<--- capital.

Roswell, New Mexico... the dairy capital of the southwest? Bitches, it's the fucking SPACE ALIEN CAPITAL... OF THE GOD DAMN UNIVERSE! I was so shocked I didn't even take a picture of it. I was stunned that they weren't playing it up. There is a town in New Mexico called "Las Vegas," and we made plenty of, "Hey, we're in the wrong Vegas" jokes. I was seriously wondering if we were in the wrong Roswell. Look, I had come a pretty long way to see aliens, and it was starting to become depressing to see that the rest of the town seemingly played it all down.

We drove on. We were kind of committed at that point, of course.

So you can imagine how happy I was to see this sign at Arby's!


I didn't actually eat at this Arby's, but that doesn't mean that they aren't the best fast food place, ever, because of this.

Aliens fuckin' welcome. Holy Shit. They're in on it after all!

From this, it was a quick drive downtown, where I got to see what they did to the street lamps in Roswell.

Yes, the street lamps are in the shape of alien heads.

I love this city.


Vitriola and I went to the UFO Museum the next day. I really don't want to spoil it for anyone who might go there, so I'll just post a couple of pictures. Here's pretty much what you'd expect to see:


And here is something you definitely do not expect to see. Seriously, what kind of what-if carnivore is this thing? Who just makes a horse with all the Roswell conspiracy newspaper text on it? On the other hand, it single-handily inspired my next text game, so I'm glad it exists. I'm horrified, natch, but glad.

This horse beggars the imagination.

Here is a picture of an alien autopsy using dummies. The dummy in the suit is pissed that the other one, in the surgical mask, isn't autopsying fast enough. The guy in the suit and fedora is how I picture every person in the military 60 years ago when not in camouflage. Impatient, all pointy -fingers and jumping up some poor med student's butt, completely full of disdain that the great cover-up, the greatest lie ever told in the history of civilization isn't going fast enough for him. You can't see it in the picture, but the military guy was totally asking the surgeon a bunch of pseudo-rhetorical questions he arrogantly already knew the answer to.

Get back to work! Lie faster, you!


This is a typical intersection in Roswell. There were a number of alien-themed gift shops and I sort of just bought everything I could carry. There was an enormous amount of crap in my car on the way out of town. Christmas ornaments, laser pointers, do-rags... and stickers! Vitriola got one for her truck and I got one for my computer. It was either a sticker for my PC, or a credit account with Alienware at 21.99% interest for one of their custom computers that was overpriced by 25%. I cleaned up.

I don't think you can order giant, metal aliens climbing

over your building at just any store.


You have to watch out though, as the little buggers will just get into your backseat. I love the fact that hoodies are an important part of the wardrobe of both the alien and the driver.

By definition, we weren't going to let the green guy drive.


We had a fantastic time. One store we went into was run by a really nice guy who is planning on creating an enormous UFO-themed hotel within the next year. Look, I'm from New York -- while in the western portion you don't necessarily get thrown out of a store just for telling the owner that you're "looking" (which actually happened in NYC to Da King and me) you definitely don't show blueprints to any slob that happens to walk in. But that's exactly what happened to us. I went from freaking out that a theme store was still open at 8:00 at night to loading up with piles of green plush to hearing about a hotel that will have Star Trek-style doors, holographic waiters and gardens. OK, the gardens aren't as amazing from a sci-fi point of view, but it's still a garden in the desert, which is ambitious in its own right. But plans are in motion to make Roswell a real tourist destination and prime spot for conventions, and I couldn't be happier for the people trying to make it happen.

I can't wait to return. I'm relieved that I didn't crash my own vehicle, I should mention, but if that did happen I would have been combined the wreck with the following picture for the hell of it.


About the author: Ice Cream Jonsey also

owns a "Xenophobe" cabinet.










An alien spacecraft crashed in Roswell in 1947. Because Wikipedia is a failure, rather than link to the main page on the incident, I've linked to a static copy.



ICJ put the tack in the area near "Rochester" at the UFO Museum while Vitriola represented Longmont.


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