Knuckles versus Joe Lieberman

by Knuckles the CLown

I know most of your political views center around burning Joe Lieberman in a spiked, flaming, gas chamber. He wants to tone down the violence in your precious Duke Nukem or Commander Keen games or whatever the fuck you losers play; I hate him for the following reason.

I was hired to clown a bar mitzvah in 2000 in some shitty suburb of Cleveland. Some crazy kid starts choking on a matza ball or something and ole Knuckles saves the day. I performed the Heimlich maneuver on the kid and saved his life. Unfortunately, in performing the Heimlich on this little brat I supposedly broke four of his ribs and collapsed his trachea. He parents started yelling at me in a flurry words that sounded like "KCKKRRRKRKCCK." Must've been Hebrew or Orc or something. Anyhow poor Knuckles gets "jewed" out his appearance fee (25 per hour plus bus fare).

So anyhow I get on the bus to go home and I realize my clown nose is missing. Then I remember that little choking twerp ripped it off as I was saving his life. So I scream at the bus driver to stop and take me to the hospital. To which this wiseguy says "Which one? There's like 50 in Cleveland, who are you "Specific" the Clown?" to which the whole goddamned bus started pointing and laughing at my expense. I resisted the urge to murder every ugly bastard on the bus and got off at the next stop. I asked around and figured out there was a Jewish children’s hospital nearby. I went in there (I remembered the kid's name) and asked for the room number of “Billy Goldman”. The nurse said there was 6 Billy Goldmans there. So I says “Is there one with a collapsed trachea?” She said yes and he was in room 243. (They won’t give most people a room number of a patient unless they are immediate family, EXCEPT WHEN YOU ARE A CLOWN, people assume you are there to cheer up cripples and shit).

So I find the kid's room and see the nose sitting there on his food tray. And you know who else is sitting in the fucking room? Joe Lieberman. He’s in the middle of a campaign for Vice President or whatever and trying to look good posing with sick kids at the hospital. So there’s cameras everywhere and shit and here I am trying to get my clown nose back. So Lieberman pipes up with “Are you the clown that attacked this little boy?” and we had the following exchange:

Knuckles: NO, I’m just a…. I’m here to get this nose back for my friend.
Lieberman: You should be ashamed, why did you harm this little boy?
Knuckles: He was choking.
Lieberman: His parents said you attacked him after he burped.

That’s the part they played on the news and I haven’t worked in four years cause of that incident. After the cameras went off Lieberman had his cronies take me out behind the hospital and beat the hell out of me. Lieberman then comes outside after his dirty work has been completed by his thugs, pulls out the Clown nose and urinates in it. “I don’t like Clowns, Vote Gore-Lieberman in 2000!”

About the author: Knuckles the CLown is available for Communions, Inquisitions and Jahuars for $25 an hour plus bus fare.