NFL Draft 2007
by Ice Cream Jonsey
The NFL Draft is the mechanism in which college football players get picked for the 32 franchises in the National Football League. Additionally, it's the time of year where Detroit General Manager Matt Millen refreshes the copyright on the incriminating photos he apparently has of several key people in the Detroit Lion organization, because Jesus Fucking Christ nobody has been worse at anything than this man and "drafting."
The draft also takes place right when the weather finally starts to get nice. I have watched it for as many years as I can remember. However, for the first time ever I'll be doing other things. I'll get up at 10:00am and see the beginning, sure, but I am not going to obsess. And I have been obsessed in years past, doing mock drafts and putting the drafted players into "Front Page Sports: Football Pro 96" and generally made a complete dork out of myself. Here's why I am not as psyched as I have been in previous years.
Each year something comes up on this particular weekend. It's absolutely fucking retarded for the NFL to do the draft right now. The last weekend of February is a total cesspool when it comes to the weather, other sports and activities across much of this country. Do it then for Christ's sake. I know I feel very proud when I complete a weekend locked away from people and the sun for two days right before the start of May. I feel like I am really taking advantage of the gift of life. I feel energized. But mostly, I feel a Vitamin D deficiency.
The NFL puts it here because they believe they can. They don't give a shit about people so crazy that they'll watch the goddamn draft. I'm a little tired of the arrogance.
2) The Ads.
This honestly never bothered me until last year. At about seven minutes between commercial breaks you simply cannot run the same two fucking ads, over and over again, in an endless cycle. But that's what ESPN did last year, for Coors and ESPN Mobile.
Luckily, thankfully, ESPN Mobile crashed and burned and no longer exists in any meaningful form. But when I read that Coors is the #1 sponsor of this thing I have flashbacks to that goddamn "Love Train" song they played a thousand times last year. Not again. Never again. I'm not one of those people who is going to come out against TV -- Dayna and I will grab "The Wire" or something through Netflix and catch an episode a night, on average. I am one of those people who can't put up with the inane advertising that comes along with TV. I'll pay Netflix whatever they want to avoid this. I can no longer take the same 30 seconds of shit a hundred times in 8 hours. I feel like Alex from A Clockwork Orange.
(And I hope the greasy shit who was in the ESPN Mobile ads from last year never works again in his life. I'm sure the worthless fucks who put together those "clever" ads all got raises, so wishing bad things to those winners is pretty pointless.)
3) The 15 Minute Wait For The First Pick.
I've gone on about this before on the site, but Christ, the Texans used to love doing this. They feel it's a quarter hour of free advertising for their team. They will have a guy signed, sealed and delivered and not announce the fucking thing until they have wasted America's time.
This is also a large part why the Texans are the worst franchise in the history of any of the four major US sports: anyone with a modicum of professionalism would comport themselves correctly and with dignity. Are the Raiders going to do the same thing? Probably. Again, it shouldn't be up to me to be the adult here. I think we can all agree on that.
4) Chris Berman.
I'd say, "He's a nice guy, but his act has grown tired" but every account of the guy indicates that he's kind of a raging asshole, like if you had met one of the characters from the game "Rampage" in real life. He's definitely the most irritating guy on television since, I don't know, the Crypt Keeper went off the air. There's your fucking legacy, Berman: slightly less irritating than a balding, shriveled puppet that makes intentionally terrible puns.
There are entire sports blogs that have sprung up, eloquently throttling the man's obnoxious horseshit. He's not going away, so I will have to again be the adult. Maybe you don't watch much ESPN and have no idea what the deal is. Fine - here's an example of the awkward shit the guy throws out:
The Jets drafted a kicker named Mike Nugent last year. Berman's comment at the time was that Jets fans will be singing, "KICK SCRATCH FEVER!!!"
This is, of course, because at the very same time the kicker was drafted, rocker Ted Nugent took the stage and started singing that song. Ah fuck, I've got it wrong, it had nothing to do with fucking anything and was more retarded, and bombed fucking harder, than a short bus full of speds paddling their way through a game of "Kaboom!" There, that's my shitty joke, the difference is that I didn't get on TV to say it, nor would I. You watch this draft and see how awkward Berman makes it. You watch and you see, god damn you.
5) The Pomp.
Bruce Smith and Michael Vick will be on hand for a Virginia Tech Tribute. Why the fuck is the NFL Draft the place where there is going to be a Virginia Tech Tribute? Who is going crazy to see this on draft day? What the fuck? It's the GODDAMN draft, just show us who gets picked and make the New Yorkers in attendance look bad, that's all we ask for. When the second Edgar Allen Poe Toaster decided to get political and bust on the French, the native Marylanders almost strung him up by his balls. You'd think that Michael Vick would keep a low profile this week and try to stay out of both the media's eye and the doghouse.
6) The Lack of Mel Kiper, Jr.
Yes, the lack. I'm not trying to be Captain Ironic here and pretend for even a moment that I'm too cool for Kiper. I wish we all did our jobs with as much passion as he shows. The rest of the dumb fucks on that network drown him out. Hooray, we get to see Andrea Kramer interact with Jon Jansen and Corey Chavous, two obnoxious little fucks with all the charisma of a bag of Safeway Brand discount Asshole Poison. Kiper is the one guy passionate about this nonsense and the guy who should be left alone to say what he needs to say. He gets less airtime each year.
7) I'm Going to the Rockies Game and the Rocky Mountain Pinball Showdown Is Also This Weekend and Oh, Yeah, the Saints Are Drafting Like 27th.
The draft is no longer the best day of the season, because my team is run by guys with their heads not up their asses for the first time in 40 years. I don't even know the exact spot they're picking. Success has made the prototypical moron fan and I love it. I can quote the TD per minute ratio of the Billy Joe Hobert years but I couldn't tell you any stats about Drew Brees except "11" which was the number of games he won for us last year, including the post-season. One year removed from drafting second overall and I've never been more thrilled to say to draftniks, "Sayonara, you fucking losers!" Bwa-hahahahah!
About the author: Al Davis, Matt Millen and the new Browns 1-2-3? Whatever the Saints are drafting, just subtract three, those merts at the beginning will find a way to fuck it all up.