2005 NFL Mock Draft by Mike Sherwin and Robb Sherwin

In light of the hellish past year we begin anew. Enjoy!

I can't really do a mock draft. I don't know enough about the college game. But like anyone else I can pick-up magazine or keyboard and fill in the blanks. So let's analyze draft position, needs and which one of these highly touted players fits the bill. If you get a chance check out Scouts Inc.s mock draft. Apparently a new position available. It is called DC. Detective Comics, Defensive Cutthroats, Daunting Chandlers? Who the hell knows what DC stands for? Apparently the term cornerback escapes them. Remember the following Scouts Inc.

1. Nobody believes you are scouts.
2. Nobody believes you are incorporated
3. Making up positions makes you like idiots.

Maybe I should list Wide Receivers under OC since they are the opposite of DCs.

 

#1
San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers are a disaster. If you ever wondered what the Yankees would look like with a salary cap, look no further than the 49ers (and to a lesser but just as funny example, the NBA's Knicks). I can't see how drafting one of these sketchy QB's helps them. They already have two "accomplished" QBs at the helm. The 49ers need to trade this pick. I think Jon Gruden is foolish enough to do it. The Buccaneers have employed about 50 QB's in the last two years and Gruden wants another.

Why are they here?
Salary cap hell, poor front office, poor coaching. Dennis Erickson is a loser at coaching in the NFL. His run as coach for the Seahawks and now Niners accomplished nothing. The smartest thing this team could have done would have been to get Jeff Garcia back after a year hiatus, but this organization has too much "pride" to admit they blew it with him. Cripes, the Celtics took back fried food Antoine Walker and they are naming babies after him.

Mike, who would you draft?
I would trade this pick or sit around and not draft until pick three. Let someone else pay Smith and Rodgers Eli Manning money. The 49ers could potentially sit around until pick 6 and one of these guys could still be around. (Of course they would still think they deserved 1st overall pick money.) If the Bucs are really serious about moving up I'd throw Kevan Barlow's name out there, pilfer some of Tampa's picks and go from there. I'd take Braylon Edwards.

Who will the 49ers draft ensure and another 2-14 season and draft?
Alex Smith QB Utah

#2
Miami Dolphins

Get ready for the return of Ricky. The return of the Ricky hype that is. This story will be beat to death. He has to come back. He owes too much money. How many games he has to sit out is anyone's guess, but let's start with four. So let's say he does come back. Who the hell knows what his on the field contribution will be? This team needs two running backs anyhow to mask their complete lack of a passing game. I'd draft a running back and run the option. I think the Dolphins would be wise to trade this pick as well. However I think the rest of the league is content to watch the 49ers and Dolphins rot in hell.

Why are they here?
As payback for making Scott Mitchell look good, the Dolphins gave up a 2nd round pick to acquire A.J. Feely. He had a broken ass bone or something last year and was a total flop. Their aging defense needs an upgrade as well.

Mike, who would you draft?
Again I would look to trade down and take Cedrick Benson or Cadillac Williams. Buyer beware! A nickname like Cadillac screams bust.

Who will the Dolphins draft?
Aaron Rodgers, QB California

#3
Cleveland Browns

Now we begin to talk about some franchises that aren't hopeless. That being said I hope Romeo Crennell fails miserably with the Browns. Don't get me wrong -- nice guy, but I got real sick of Fox trotting out that X-Mas picture of the West Coast Family. I don't want Belichick's boys spawning all over the league. The Browns were a complete mess on offense. They have/had a gaggle of receivers who could each catch a 95 yard TD at anytime, and that was their only hope at generating offense. Their defense also sucks. For some strange reason the Broncos signed their defensive line. That's akin to Hooters hiring breast cancer survivors.

What do the Browns make of this mess drafting ahead of them? I would assume the Browns couldn't be happier to be where they are. They don't have a clue who to take either. Whatever bad choices the 49ers and Dolphins make gives the Browns an out. UNLESS... The 49ers and Dolphins refuse to draft, I could see the first 5 teams passing on their picks and then a mad scramble to the podium. If I were these teams I wouldn't be giving any of their skill position players the draft card, they'd either drop or cough it up to another organization. Ahem…

Mike, who would you draft?
I would go for best available here already. The Browns have so many holes it's pointless to try and fill them. They might as well make a one of their average units better. Mike Williams would be a great pick. It would give them the star receiver they have lacked since… Webster Slaughter in 89'???

Who will the Browns draft?
Their ass is in a sling and they really need to trade it. The top QBs are gone, they don't think they need a running back and they are up to high to take a DL or OL. So the pick IS... Braylon Edwards, WR Michigan

#4
Chicago Bears

This just in. The Bears are not good at drafting. Let's recap good players they have taken in the first round since 1989. Brian Urlacher (always hurt), Curtis Conway (always hurt), Trace Armstrong (best years in Miami). They also took Curtis Enis, who mewled and cried for four years until he could leave the team and play for the Browns, because he was so homesick for Ohio. Ohio!!! Of course, Enis never played for the Browns because of damage to his knee, making him the only guy to sign a one-day contract so he could retire for a team he never played for. This year, I think the Bears will resist the temptation to ruin another running back's career and instead ruin a receiver's career.

Why can't the Bears pull it together?
I think it's payback for everyone who hopped on in '85. Seriously I know like 80 Bears fans that saw the Super Bowl shuffle video and said, "Yes, Yes, I will choose this team to root for."

Mike, who would you draft?
I would draft Mike Williams. That way he can learn from Mushin Muhammad, like how to turn on the talent in a contract year. Let's face it, in those dark blue blocky Bears jerseys nobody looks fast. Mike Williams is one big dude and would look perfect in a Bears uniform. Drafting Williams would put Rex Grossman in the same boat as Joey Harrington this year: here's the talent (Muhammad, Williams, Thomas Jones) get it done. Only one is allowed to succeed and it won't be Harrington. Why can only one succeed? I don't know, can you foresee Grossman and Harrington dueling it out for the NFC North Crown in 2010? Me neither.

Who will the Bears draft?
Mike Williams, WR USC

#5
Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs got their ring, so everyone is content to let Gruden make funny faces on the sidelines and make bad movies with Jennifer Tilly. Hey, that reminds me, I never got anyone to go see Bride of Chucky or Child of Chucky or whatever the hell the last one was. It was like asking people if they'd like an STD. The draft has already reminded me to update my Netflix queue, which is how you know Mike is no longer writing these teams, because Netflix requires a checking account.

Was it worth it?
Of course it was worth it, what a stupid question. They won the Super Bowl. But that's exactly why they are here: four draft picks for Gruden and the departure of the aging guys on the championship team means that a bunch of losers and nobodies had to fit in for these, the lean years. Gannon's neck snapping in two last year is why we don't let Dad play softball, even though he's probably still better and craftier than both of us: not only do we care more about him than the NFL did Gannon, in real life there's no waiver wire to dump your injured guys to and I sure as hell don't want to be the one to wheel his chair around and keep sticking his tongue back inside his face.

Robb, who would you draft?
Ronnie Brown. Nobody on the Bucs can throw, run or catch, so you might as well get one guy who can do two of those things reasonably well. I love that he will be going before both the guy who started over him at Auburn and Cedrick Benson - but Cedrick can thank his manlove for Ricky Williams for why he's going to drop like my balls before the Saints pick on Saturday. A guy with a ton of miles on him who says wacky things like "I'd rather win the Heisman than beat Oklahoma" with dreads who used to play minor league baseball? Ask Shaun Alexander how great coming off as worried about stats and awards is doing for him and how many offers he's had pouring in. Brown running .11 seconds faster than Benson all but ensured his earlier selection.

Who will the Bucs draft?
Ronnie Brown, RB, Auburn

#6
Tennessee Titans

Someone explain to me why the Titans let about thirty guys go to get under the cap rather than simply releasing Steve McNair. Seriously, someone started Volek for his stretch in every league I was in this year and he was solid every game except the first one. And how the hell some of these guys like Mason leave without even a pick in return… I know they're trying to rip the band-aid off, but you can't just let these guys leave like that. Fisher's a great coach, but they're going to be right back here picking next year.

Questions for the Titans
Are they aware that they don't have to keep around a kicker against the cap with a knee that has been operated so many times that Milton-Bradley will probably make a board game out of it? That they can get new ones late in the draft? If Fisher's wife dies of peculiar circumstances in twenty years go check out what Joe Nedney was up to; he certainly owes him. Well, probably rehab, but later that night I mean.

Robb, who would you draft?
I like this mock draft because the best players in this miserable heap are going off the board in order, more or less. A lot of times draft pundits try to fit players with teams and while that certainly looks nice on paper it never works out that way in real life. Everyone's got the Titans taking Antrel Rolle, but I see farther. No, actually, I don't - he's the best guy available the Titans are in no position to grab a QB or halfback.

Who will the Titans draft?
Antrel Rolle, CB, Miami, FL

#7
Minnesota Vikings (from Oakland)

They're listed as #7, but this is presuming that Tice isn't reading through another Big and Tall weekend flyer and forget that he's actually on the clock again. Skipping someone in a fantasy draft is the lifelong dream of every participant, once you get past the "easily distracted with porn and chicken wings" early years. You start to loathe the guys who take four minutes in the 11th round before murmuring 'Troy Edwards.' So seeing no mercy whatsoever from the other GMs a couple years back as they sprinted up to leapfrog him was something everyone could relate to. Tice has better not mess this pick up, what with giving up the most talented guy in the NFL for it. No pressure!

Questions for the Vikings
What do they do if there are no receivers there? There's been a lot of rumbling that the Vikes wouldn't mind grabbing a running back, even though they have several servicable ones -- Mewelde Moore will never have any job security no matter how good he is because he's short (actually, that goes for men in the business world as well -- sorry to all you Tom Thumbs out there, but the rest of us normals won't promote you because we don't want your eggs everywhere), Michael Bennett is too fast for his unfortunately all-too human hamstrings and Onterio Smith is looking at the eight game suspension the next time he tests positive for drugs, which he will. Tice has three nice backs but it's not a reach to say that they can all be unavailable at any moment. Oh, and they also have that question about who actually owns the team and what other howlers are on their new owner's resume. Note to billionaires everywhere: you won already, you can leave pretending to be a weeblow scout or starting in the Soviet Gulag League off your resume. When I get my first billion my resume will simply be an ATM receipt with "Community College, 1998" scrawled on it in silver crayon and intentionally spelled wrong.

Robb, who would you draft?
I'd be going crazy-mad with Mike Williams off the board, mad enough to enter a stunned funk for three hours and miss the pick. I'd go with a cornerback named "Pac-Man Jones" for their sorry defense, but there are other things at play, like namely a guy who is nicknamed "Pac-Man," which I will find funny when the guy takes a wife and has to explain how she's now officially Ms. Pac-Man. But I think the Vikes will go for a halfback, and not the one who has the -- as the NFL sees it -- drug problem and even more damningly, an admiring-Ricky-Williams problem.

Who will the Vikings draft?
Cadillac Williams, HB, Auburn

#8
Arizona Cardinals

I'll say it: Denny Green didn't really think Brother McCown was ready for the NFL, he didn't think that he had a great QB lurking on his roster, he didn't believe his own hype in terms of being able to shuffle quarterbacks and win anyway -- he just liked Larry Fitzgerald because he knew him as a kid and by propping up his terrible quarterback position he was able to take his buddy without getting hell for it. Not that anyone in Arizona was going to be outraged by someone who decided to draft a guy because he knew him -- I don't think some of the guys who had been drafting for the Cardinals lately knew that NCAA games were actually on tape and that the film was available to them. "We can get those? Do you mean the radio descriptions? I don't believe you; Thomas Jones over Shaun Alexander, please."

Questions for the Cardinals Who's going to run things after it's verified for the third time that Kurt Warner's hand is actually in fact shattered and it's going to take a visit to Ancient One and combat with Baron Mordo to ever throw a football again? But that's a question for another round and maybe another draft, because Warner should get a little more time to throw in front of Arizona's offensive line, which is actually pretty good. So who's going to run the football? I don't think the Cowboys cut anybody this year.

Robb, who would you pick?
Gimme a running back! L.J. Shelton for Travis Henry ought to work, but the Bills are being greedy for that second rounder. Trading firsts for Rob Johnson and Drew Bledsoe doesn't mean that everyone else will make bad trades to keep the computer's AI consistent. Nobody else is giving up anything for Henry, so I would write "Cedrick Benson" on the draft card, get on a web cam and show the Bills I am totally not bluffing and willing to take him if Shelton-for-Henry doesn't go through. I also remind the Bills that I was the guy who took problem children Randy Moss and Demetrius Underwood and will have no problem taking a future malcontent like Wilson. In fact, I probably have Underwood deliver the news to Buffalo himself, hell, he's got this weekend free. I'd round off the corners on the draft card first, though, so he doesn't try to kill himself with it.

Who will the Cardinals draft?
Cedrick Benson, HB, Texas

#9
Washington Redskins

The Redskins are fascinating because it's a snapshot of a guy (Joe Gibbs) trying to win the Super Bowl in three years or he's out. It's like the chubby guy down at the docks trying to clean out the Country Buffet on some dumb game show in 20 mintues or less. The closer he gets to that deadline the more desperate and stupid he becomes. The Redskins throwing away next year's first to take more shitty players in this draft would be like choking down too many buffet-heated weiners. You simply wouldn't do it if you had time to think. I'm also looking forward to Jon Jansen coming off poorly with Corey Chavous, Kyle Boller and Deuce McAllister on ESPN talking about the draft from a player's perspective. Jansen is lucky he's in the NFL, as I don't think anyone could stand to be in the same room with him for five minutes otherwise without wanting to punch him in the face. Chavous is the cockiest guy on television, especially as a guy whose team handles the draft like it's this nasty surprise sprung on them each year. I'm always amused to think that representatives from Minnesota might show up in pajamas or skids trying to steal a copy of USA Today from somebody to see who they can take, with the obligatory "is Peyton Manning gone yet? What about Tomlinson?" type stalling questions. Boller looks as lost talking about football as he does playing it and someone needs to tell Deuce that he's been on TV before and to relax a little.

Questions for the Redskins Who are they trying to trade up for? Because this makes no sense otherwise. You either trade next year's pick to get a quarterback, who is going to sit for a year anyway, or because you want to make a move up. They won't, of course, and they will give up a top ten pick next year to select at #25. But more on that later!

Robb, who would you pick?
They need a quarterback, and I understand that Fred Smoot left, so they need a cornerback. It was odd that Brunell didn't work out for them -- I see teams give up on QBs with lots of gas left in the tank all the time, it's weird that it backfired on Washington, huh.

Who will the Redskins draft?
Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, CB, West Virginia

#10
Detroit Lions

The Lions are on the verge. They have their running back set, they've got two decent wide receivers (although Charles Rogers needs to stay healthy -- but still, it's not like breaking a collarbone is likely to be a chronic injury and if it is at least he's not the hundredth NFL wide receiver to whine about his hamstrings) and a decent coach. They are in much better shape than most of the other losers down here. But everyone's real tired of QB Joey Harrington's issues and if he struggles early he's finished and will be forgotten until he makes a single surprisingly not-awful relief appearance in 2015. I think he realizes this, which is why you see him on TV more than anyone but Peyton Manning. He realizes his time as a starting NFL quarterback is just about over and didn't want to have any regrets. He's done everything but shoot a commercial where some worthless charity associated with the United Way drafts him, which is kind of funny because it's supposed to be about volunteering, but the United Way admits it's so unpleasant a process that you have to be drafted into it.

Questions for the Lions
Who's going to accidentally smear Joey in training camp so Jeff Garcia can start instead? I suggest bringing Robert Porcher back, who would have been a hall of famer if he had played in New York or Dallas, for one last favor to the organization.

Robb, who would you pick?
I don't know, I'd try to create more false buzz about Sean Taylor again for the hell of it, only because it's the highest of high comedy to see these wound-up, stressed-out, 22 year old sociopaths come out of Miami and practically wet themselves at the thought of not going higher than, I don't know, fellow alumnus Jim Kelly did or something. But failing my ability to use the draft to troll some guy, I'm looking at linebacker and defensive end for the Lions.

Who will the Lions take?
Derrick Johnson, LB, Texas

#11
Dallas Cowboys

OK, are we done with the Cowboys? Nobody gives a fuck anymore? Correct. What a boring, bland team. I have absolutely zero interest in adding to the millions of mind numbing articles written about this team. OOOOOhh who will the Big Tuna draft? If had his druthers he would draft somebody who was 35 years old and on the downside of his career. Is Dave Meggett eligible to be redrafted? I know they aren't drafting QB here because Parcells refuses to play a QB who can run faster than 5.5 40, eliminating all prospects. How fatboy Jarred Lorenzen hasn't been traded for blows my mind. Oh, Lorenzen isn't washed up and forty yet. Washed up and 25 doesn't cut in big D. Theyll ignore their terrible receivers and go defense in the first round for the 10th time in 12 years. The last offensive player they drafted in the first round was TE David LeFleur who should converted to a D-lineman. Anyhow, the consensus is that they will go D-Line.

Questions for the Cowboys
How does it feel to be Drew Henson right now? Its like being the third son of a millionaire and watching your two older and dimwitted brothers run Dads company into the ground. Seriously, whats worst case scenario starting this guy. A sack gets avoided?

Mike, who would you pick?
WR Troy Williamson. Keyshawn, Terry and Quincy do not add up to a decent receiving corps. Speaking of corpses, Drew Bledsoe will be unable to these guys the ball anyhow.

What defensive player will the Cowboys draft?
Shawne Merriman, DE, Maryland

#12
San Diego Chargers

Could things have worked out better for the Chargers? Nobody likes Eli Manning, Philip Rivers sitting on the bench provided one more quality season than Ryan Leaf gave them and here they are drafting in the lap of luxury. How they blew that playoff game against the Jets troubles me. They remind me of the last time the Bears were good, generating all of that excitement and blowing their playoff game and returning to suck. It would appear their defense is the problem since LT and Gates score 15 TDs per game combined. The Chargers get a free pass on bashing but they better make these picks count. A step back and I have the acid tongue loaded.

Questions for the Chargers
Doesn't this remind you of when they were feeling clever after passing on Vick? Yes, but Eli Manning isn't the next Vick. It truly worked out gouging the Giants. If Brees has another great year they will wish they didn't draft Philip Rivers last year, imagine if they had got a good defensive player like Dunta Robinson.

Mike who would you draft?
David Pollak. He would address their pass rush needs. I would also look to trade until there is only one of the top four D lineman left.

Who will the Chargers draft?
David Pollak, DE, Georgia

#13
Houston Texans

Houston put together a frustratingly decent season last year. This year's draft is huge. Its time to bite the bullet and get that O-line set to protect David Carr and whatever quaff he is donning. The Panthers are also interested in Alex Barron but I doubt they would pay the price to move up. The Panthers could conceivably give the Chargers very little to move up (swap firsts toss in a fifth or sixth) since the Chargers could care less who these two teams pick.

Questions for the Texans
How important is this pick? On a scale of extreme I choose Extremely. The luster has worn off. If they can get it together and draft some guys to compete against Indy then this becomes a trendy pick and makes Tennessee the AFC South doormat.

Mike who would you pick?
Alex Barron. If you can get the best player at an important position in the middle of the first, go for it.

Who will the Texans pick?
Alex Barron, T, Florida State

#14
Carolina Panthers

The Panthers foolishly started winning games and cost themselves 10 draft slots. They would have made the playoffs if not for choking against the Saints. The Panthers are going to need a little help on offense to offset the loss of Mushin Muhammad. Oh, Steve Smith is coming back, never mind. Maybe they should get a healthy running back. Nope, Nick Goings filled in just fine. Who then? Well with all of the injured players coming back this pick screams best available. As far as their draft history. There is hit and miss and then you have the Panthers. Let's look at 1995-2000 and see how these players turned out for the Cats.

1995 Kerry Collins - Played well then became racist.
1996 Tim Biakabutuka - Played well in the two healthy games he started, I forget what his deal was, out his gord I presume.
1997 Rae Carruth - Played adequately and then became a serial killer.
1998 Jason Peter - More date rapes than sacks.
2000 Rashard Anderson - Injuries, drug problems and all-around thug. I think he is still getting chances though.
AND THEN
2001 Dan Morgan - Panthers media credited him 4,000 tackles in Super Bowl, may have had only 2,000.
2002 Julius Peppers - Other than supplement mix-up has been a beast.
2003 Jordan Gross- 8th pick a little high but another score.
Feast or Famine folks!

Questions for the Panthers
Which way do they go, like Bucs and Raiders or like the Patriots? I think they can sustain success and bounce back this year. Unlike the Bucs and Raiders they aren't relying on a group of older players. The Panthers a good core group and experienced a ton of freak injuries AND still barely missed the playoffs. That will happen when Minnesota and New Orleans are doing their annual shots to the foot.

Mike, who would you draft?
Me and Robb are in disagreement on some earlier picks. He fucked me. I don't think Troy Williamson will last this long. He is my choice.

Who will the Panthers pick?
Troy Williamson, WR, South Carolina

#15
Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs are up and this is a no brainer. Unless they decide to go Running Back. In which case all season tickets should be refunded. I see no reason why this team wouldn't spend every freaking pick they have on defense. Their receivers are smurfish and wimpy but they get the job done somehow. They are set at RB, QB and WR and O-Line. The Chiefs need to finally address there defense that is, to be kind, below average.

To analyze their needs, since my mind is of a scientific bent, I clumsily navigated myself onto the ESPN.com transactions page. LB problems - Enter Kendrell Bell. Slow aging safety need - Enter Sammy Knight. Indecisive whining for Heisman Trophy winner - Enter Eric Crouch. They need a safety.

Question for the Chiefs
Should they damn the defense and try and simply outscore opponents? No, you fool, thats why they can't win a playoff game. Who is asking these questions?

Mike who would you draft?
Id say slide down but the next three teams COULD draft defense. The pick is Thomas Davis from Georgia.

Who will the Chiefs pick?
Thomas Davis, S, Georgia

#16
New Orleans Saints

The Saints have been taking the best player available for some of the last few drafts, and when they've done so it's really paid off. They didn't need Will Smith, as they already had two pretty good defensive ends, but they took him anyway and he responded by creating havoc all over the field. This strategy is a big plus, because Jim Haslett is apparently contractually obligated to not start second round picks. Devrey Henderson and Jonathan Stinchcomb (second rounders for 2004 and 2003) have played a grand total of about 10 snaps. This will come back to bite the Saints hard if they don't shape up and take someone who will actually see the field with their top picks. Draft ME if actually being able to play isn't a requirement for the second round, I promise not to have sex with Willie Roaf's wife or steal $2,000 from Deuce.

Questions for the Saints
How about shoring up that bottom-feeding defense? They couldn't be bothered to go get a linebacker like Ed Hartwell or Ian Gold because that might mean giving a large signing bonus out, which the organization seems reluctant to do, except for its own players (and even that is only "sometimes"). I'm not going to be aghast to see a cornerback make its way to the team either, we've only needed one for the entire history of the franchise.

Robb, who would you pick?
DeMarcus Ware, who is from "Troy" but who can play linebacker as well as defensive end. This team always seemed to do well when they could line a guy up at linebacker and tell him to go get the quarterback when needed. Also, if I am putting your college's name in quotes then please note that none of us take your football program seriously.

Who will the Saints pick?
Might be too high for Ware and I don't think Haslett will ever take a LB because he doesn't like any of them, being a former LB as well. It's a good thing he doesn't hold this high a standard for things that are apparently less important to him, like women, otherwise he'd have sworn them off after his first one and he wouldn't have kids to call up local talk radio asking everyone to stop ragging on their father. Uh, anyway: Carlos Rodgers, CB, Auburn

#17
Cincinatti Bengals

Some of our younger readers have never seen the Bengals draft this high and in fact may have only seen them referenced with the number "17" in terms of how many games some previous Cincy teams could have found a way to still lose in a season. I don't doubt that there aren't a fair number of draftniks who follow the Bengals, so let me tell you -- it's an excruciating wait when your team goes from drafting in the top ten for a decade to being 8-8 like mine did. You start to really develop a hatred for the sheer number of stallers and skittish little cowards that run real football teams. For instance, David Carr had signed with the Texans days before the draft and those assholes still took all fifteen minutes alloted to them before announcing the pick. Chris Berman's sniveling, apologetic reasoning went along the lines of how the Texans were using it to make everyone talk about the new team and bask in the sun for a little while, but for Christ's sake they were given the pick, they didn't do anything to earn it. Anyway, all of these idiots without a clue are now picking before your team, Cincy fan, so expect to see your time on the clock to start right before dinner instead of where it's usually been, right before breakfast.

Questions for the Bengals
Are they still putting in the "Mike Brown" clause in their contracts which specify that their players can't bad mouth the organization? Because that was hilarious. It's also what I love about young black guys and how such contract language is wholly unacceptable to them. I hate authority so much that I wouldn't help a cop out of a burning car until his right arm melted off just to be sure that he couldn't find something to write me up for afterwards. But give me a $10 million signing bonus and I'd be telemarketing tickets to the policeman's ball. No such luck with the guys who told Brown to go fuck himself, I only wish that Akili Smith wasn't trying to get back into the NFL without getting himself blacklisted because someone getting that guy's opinions on the Cincinatti Lean Years will win a Pulitzer in Comedy.

Robb, who would you pick?
Let's strengthen up that d-line. You could do a lot worse than having to worry about the scrambling prowess of Boller, Dilfer and Roethlisberger in your division.

Who will the Bengals take?
Erasmus James, DE, Wisconsin

#18
Minnesota Vikings

Robb got his crack at Minnesota, now it is my turn. The Vikings ensure the height of comedy not once but twice with two first round picks. We failed to mention earlier that the Vikings have addressed some of their shortcomings, cleaned the cancer out, won a playoff game and are less of a target. EXCEPT THEIR PENCIL MUNCHING COACH SCALPED SUPER BOWL TICKETS! Being the lowest paid coach is no excuse, it's like being the lowest paid Astronaut or least qualified brain surgeon, or Jose Offerman. Those guys still crack 6 digits.

No more questions for the Vikings, 3 per team. Sorry.

Who will the Vikings take?
Mark Clayton, WR, Oklahoma. They feel the defense has been upgraded and will ensure the offense doesn't skip a beat.

#19
St. Louis Rams

Hey, so how's that Martz-as-a-genius thing working out? Sports writers never get called on the sheer ream of horseshit they output on a daily basis, nobody ever checks this stuff at the end of the season, much less after several underachieving ones based on the hype. Never before has one guy managed to turn one decent outing (running the Rams' offense in 1999) into such an excessive amount of knob-slobbing. This just in, Atlanta has just scored another touchdown on them in the playoffs.

Questions for the Rams
Hey, Vick dropped 47 on you, how about helping the defense? I know Vick is supposed to be the next Michael Jordan, but that doesn't mean the number of points they put up need to be the same. The Rams won't do anything for the defense, though, because Martz is thinking to himself that his problem is that he didn't score 48, not that he let up 47. One of the off-season's funniest stories is Kyle Turley making noise that he wants to play defense. Okay Kyle, sure, let's get that taken care of promptly and carve out a roster spot for you, it's not like we're holding murdering, doubly-drunk drivers or anythin.... oh.

Robb, who would you take?
Let's pretend I care about the Rams getting good again, maybe the United Way is making me care or something. I'm sizing up my division and see that the Cardinals can't run, the Seahawks can't catch and the Niners can't play. I draft the best guy available and try to convince myself that I won't have any even mildly difficult road games this year. In fact, that's who I put on the media guide as it's the only thing that matters. Pictures of 52 of my guys comfortably sleeping in their own beds and Leonard Little passed out with a bottle of old Johnny Dapper behind the wheel of his car.

Who will the Rams take?
Jamaal Brown, T, Oklahoma. Turley will never play another game as a Ram and these guys need the line pass protecting well to have any shot whatsoever.

#20
Dallas Cowboys

Trading your first for another one next year usually works out well when someone's trying to grab a quarterback. It worked out beautifully for both Dallas and Buffalo which is nice and neat if you're a girl. I, on the other hand, regret the fact that I don't get to talk about the Bills at all this draft, so fuck it, I'm doing it here. Mike Mularkey winning ten games while looking like he just attended a two hour meeting trying to book Foghat for the State Fair has got to be some kind of record. Don't get me wrong, it's no Jim-Haslett-cramming-his-playbook-down-his-pants, but Mularkey looks like the kind of guy a woman gives up on and makes stay home with the kids. The Bills probably would have gone to the championship game in the joke that is the NFC, but instead they lost the chance to get skewered by Peyton. Oh, well.

Questions for the Cowboys
Hey, how can they best ruin football for everyone? Whining about all the revenue sharing going on? You got it! Here's why people hate your stupid fucking team: demonstrating a complete inability to field anything resembling quality football teams, Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder are pissed as hell that money coming from their HENSON and RAMSEY jerseys are going into the coffers of Indy and Green Bay. So they want to redistribute that wealth and make a mess out of the league and have Cowboys-Redskins be the Yankees-Red Sox of the NFL. Fantastic for them -- by spending eight times what Indy or Buffalo does maybe they could be twice as good -- but making an absolute mockery of everything entertaining about the NFL. There's a reason I'm spending my Friday night getting yelled at by my brother over Yahoo IM instead of getting yelled at by the little man in my chest demanding that seventh vodka Red Bull go back the way it came, and that reason is the salary cap and revenue sharing. I guess that's two reasons. But fuck the Dallas Cowboys, I hope Glover ejects and the team jet crashes into a mountain.

Robb, who would you take?
I wouldn't have given up on Henson, so I wouldn't take a quarterback, but these losers did, so they should get one, but they won't because somehow they think Bledsoe still has some good games left in him. Whatever.

Who will the Cowboys take?
Marcus Spears, DE, LSU

#21
Jacksonville Jaguars

You never hear anything about the Jaguars or ever get to see them. If only some show about them existed. Then maybe the NFL Network could run it out of order for about 85% of their programming. That'd be a great way to get the word out about this inspiring and dedicated team.

Question for the Jags
Did they miss Hugh Douglas playing grabass after Del Rio cut him as much as I think they did? There always needs to be some over-rated, overpaid has-been in the lineup for chemistry to really work right. I've yet to see the episode where Hugh gets cut, which is too bad because I'm sure that he told Del Rio that he'd regret it before slinking back to the Eagles like some sort of snot-green security blanket and grabbing all three of his sacks. I'd pay real money to see him play a round of Golden Tee or Tapper with Marcellus Wiley and Joe Johnson as they all attempt to outdo the other and drop kick the machine and prove that they weren't the guy with the most talent inexplicably instantly sucked out of them like they were parading around in a diaper at night in a Kate Beckinsale movie.

Robb, who would you draft?
Actually, I have no idea, so I'm just going to take a look at Don Banks's draft and try to pass it off as my own.

Who will the Jags pick?
Heath Miller, TE, Virginia He has a hernia, but so did Mike once and he only missed one softball game. I'm guessing that Miller isn't taking orders from some dumb cunt down at the Honey Board while trying to heal up, so he should miss less than one softball game, however that translates into training camp hours.

#22
Baltimore Ravens

I put up a picture of Brian Billick looking like Lex Luthor on Caltrops last year, and Bill Dungsroman adequately explained why everyone who knows him hates him. Billick, I mean, Lex is just looking out for mankind's interests so we're not under the thumb of some jingoistic alien. If real life were like DC Comics and people and universes were constantly merging, I'd like to think that Ray Lewis and Billick would become this one super public enemy who you hate because he's an asshole AND who goes out and innocently kills people.

Questions for the Ravens
Will surrounding Kyle Boller with some receivers finally allow him to pan out? Actually, I know what the answer is, and the answer is "no." The Ravens either need a guy who is so good that the rest of the thugs, murderers and drug traffickers are forced to respect him (Peyton, Farve, Brady) or somebody that's already heard all your lame jokes and tired crap before and got ripped on TV by Mel Kiper before he even signed his first contract, like Dilfer. This isn't the case with Boller, who I am fairly certain I could make cry in less than five minutes if given a half hour to prepare my heckling, jeers and unflattering impersonations along with an assurance that he wouldn't try to hit me or throw me through a goal post from 70 yards while sitting Indian style.

Robb, who would you draft?
Either Roddy White or I'd trade the pick for a pair of seconds and draft two receivers, hoping that I'm increasing my chances that one of them won't forget how to catch a football, like everyone else in Baltimore since Raymond Berry.

Who will the Ravens pick?
Roddy White, WR, Alabama-Birmingham

#23
Seattle Seahawks

It's no secret that I like Seattle. Perhaps it would bar me from a career in objective journalism (along with about 50 other "incidents"). But gosh darn it, let's go you losers. Seattle sat on their thumbs during free agency and then suddenly signed a flurry of players. They dumped the crippled Chad Brown over a dispute of 500k, they let Ken Lucas go after he played well in a contract year. And they had like 14 other free agents. Lots of holes to fill. Well, every player who left (Orlando Huff, Chike Okeafer, Lucas, Brown) good riddance. That left a lot of holes to be filled in the draftuntil Kelly Herndon was signed to replace Ken Lucas. And then Jamie Sharper was signed to replace BOTH Brown and Huff, which he will do. Joe Jurevicius and Jerome Pathon were signed to show Darrell Jackson, Koren Robinson and Bobby Engram that any idiot can catch a ball. Pathon and Jurevicius will also be rooming together on the road and be registered under Daryl Hall and John Oates. Finally Andre Dyson was signed to push the aforementioned Herndon to the nickel back.

Questions for Seattle
Is there a player left who can push Seattle other the hump? Yes, but there is no chance in hell Seattle would draft him. They could draft workout freak Matt Jones but even though Holmgren is auditioning for his job everyday, he would never do anything foolish like take a chance.

Mike, who would you draft?
Matt Jones, Utility player, Arkansas. Why not?

Who will Seattle Draft?
Demarcus Ware, DE, Troy State. Seattle enjoyed having small college player Lamar King (DE, Saginaw Valley) chewing up cap space and not playing SO MUCH- that they can't resist drafting the undersized Ware. Ware had 4 sacks against Vassar.

#24
Green Bay Packers

You ever get the feeling that no matter what the Packers and Falcons do, it's just a matter if Favre and Vick are on that day? Really, does anything else matter? The Packers are mired in a funk of being good enough to make the playoffs but not good enough to do anything when they get there. As long as Favre, Green and Walker are there, there is no need to mess around with the offense. Which brings me to my first question.

Questions for the Packers
Is this the year to draft Favre's successor? Hell no! The Packers need to wait until they are good and shitty to do this. Who are they going to pick up here to replace him, Kyle Orton? Andrew Walter, or that guy from Akron with the Pygmy hands?

Mike who would you pick?
While Randy Moss has left the division Roy Williams, Charlie Rogers, Mushin Muhammad and possibly Mike Williams are still there. Darren Sharper needs to be replaced. I would pick safety Marlin Jackson from Michigan.

Who will the Packers pick?
Dan Cody, DE, Oklahoma. Apparently he suffers from depression or something. Probably from living in beautiful Oklahoma.

#25
Washington Redskins

You may wonder why Robb and I take organizations to task with such hatred. It's because all of these teams are so pompous about their personnel decisions and moves, and think they do things "The Right Way." When some infant like Dan Snyder owns a team I can't resist. I feel bad for Gibbs, he's going to ruin his reputation by trying to pull a '97 Florida Marlins here (cheap championship). Even if the Redskins were to win the Super Bowl (not a chance) how satisfying would it be when no player on the team has been with them longer than two years. This is evident in the trading for a second first round pick. This is one of the worst draft classes in years and Washington is stockpiling picks. Whatever. Oh one last thought, does Mike Shannahan have pictures of Gibbs molesting children? This is two years in a row he has had his way with Skins.

Questions for the Redskins
They've had their three.

Who will the Redskins pick?
Jesse Campbell, QB, Auburn. He's the solution for sure.

#26
Oakland Raiders

Oakland is having a nice little off-season. It must conclude with Randy Moss and Warren Sapp getting arrested for sleeping with 17-year-old girls or I will feel gypped. That being said, the Raiders pulled of the greatest screw job since the Seahawks turned Rick Mirer into Walter Jones. I don't care what the specifics are, I read Doug Jolley being traded for a 1st round pick. Christ, Patrick Surtain went for a second. Who knows what the hell the Jets are doing. Anyhow, bravo for the Raiders and if they can find a way to trade the guy who got his eye socket destroyed by Bill Romanowski I'd really give them an A for effort.

Questions for the Raiders
Do they need to replace Charles Woodson? Yes, he is clinically insane at this point. With P. Buchanan gone they could use one anyhow.

What about QB?
If Randy Moss screams at Dante Culepepper, I can't wait to see him lay into Kerry Collins for being stupid and Rich Gannon for not being able to throw a ball 40 yards.

Who will the Raiders draft?
Fabian Washington CB, Nebraska

#27
Atlanta Falcons

I refuse to believe the Falcons can be good two years in a row. I don't think they ever have. They should just trade all of their future picks and wait until Marcus Vick is in the draft, and then give whoever has pick #1 in 2007 57 picks. Two Vicks should be able to make it through 32 games.

Questions for the Falcons
Ron Mexico. Discuss.

If you don't know that's too bad. All I know is Magic Johnson and Michael Vick have the same amount of groupies right about now.

Mike who would you draft?
I'd take a shot with Brandon Brower. Somebody always takes a tall corner at this point in the draft. Brower is 6'4" yet has more red flags than a Chinese bar-b-q.

Who will the Falcons draft?
Shaun Cody, DE, USC

#28
San Diego Chargers

If you thought negotiating with the Chargers was bad before, imagine trying it now that they're not the armpit of the NFL. A.J. Smith putting language into Phil Rivers's contract to give him a bonus if he wins the Super Bowl four times was insulting to more than just Rivers, it was an insult to everyone who can listen and read. Let me put it this way: New Orleans as a city has generated exactly one famous guy in the last 40 years and it was Archie Manning. They've had more serial killers in that time than celebrities. So imagine what kind of mood you'd be in if everyone wouldn't leave you alone every time you stepped out of your house and tried to get a bagel or something. Through it all, everyone who's ever met Archie has nothing but positive things to say about him. When you can make someone as easy-going as that guy warn his kid off your (San Diego based, I might add) team like the GM has leprosy then maybe there are some bigger issues to work on, one decent year notwithstanding. Oh, and Marty acting like a huge pussy hasn't worked in the playoffs the first 10 times, but I'm sure being a conservative, predictable old woman will net him that elusive ring this year, why not.

Who will the Chargers pick?
Khalif Barnes, T, Washington

#29
Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are oh so close. I guess they need to draft Eskimos or something to get past the Pats. They are running out of ways to look bad against them. How their offense can dominate 99% of the time and the choke against NE every year is beyond me. I mean you can't change everything just to beat one team can you? I can't fathom what the Colts need since they beat the hell out of everyone else.

Questions for the Colts?
Should they trade Edgerin James for more picks? Yes, I don't what this guy's deal is but he makes white people extremely uncomfortable.

Mike, who would you draft?
Matt Jones is STILL sitting there, I'd draft him and make him a Troy Brown like player just to stick it up the Pats ass. You know, throw him in as a goal line TE or a nickle back so Dungy can seem clever and have SI slurping all over him every issue.

Who will the Colts draft?
Channing Crowder, ILB, Florida. The last I met a Channing and a Fabian they were asking me if a wanted fresh grated parmesan on my salad.

#30
Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers laid an egg in the Championship game and must find replacements for Kendrel Bell and Plaxico Burress. Whatever receiver the Steelers draft will be taught simple techniques that escaped Plaxico, such as not spiking the ball like you are killing termites after your knee touches the ground in the middle of a play. It's amazing but some teams assume these guys know the rule differences between college and the NFL. They probably could've got away with not paying Plaxico too. "Yo, Plax you are on scholarship dawg, here's $20 for food and condoms"

Questions for the Steelers
Just once can Steelers get 1,000 yards out of a HB who isn't grossly overweight? No, but they will probably take elf HB Darren Sproles (K-State) in the third round for contrast.

Mike who would you draft?
Here's where Matt Jones goes.

Who will the Steelers draft?
Matt Jones, UP, Arkansas. Cower loves these guys. With Plax gone, Randal-El moves to second receiver leaving the Steelers Jack-Of-All-Trades slot open, in comes Jones.

#31
Philadelphia Eagles

Here's what annoyed the hell out of me in the playoffs last year -- everyone bought into the mindset that the Patriots were this mythical team that could do anything and you hardly had a chance. When guys who are actually taking classes wind up in my opponents secondary, I am throwing at them all day long because every moment a cornerback spends with a book in his face is a wasted moment. Nobody bothered to do it, though. And the urgency shown by the Eagles at the end of the Super Bowl was inspiring but not totally their fault since we learned after the fact that the same guy who plowed the snow for the Pats so they could make that field goal in the snow to beat Miami 25 years ago showed up and did the same sort of thing for Philly, only instead of removing snow he was laying down molasses.

Question for the Eagles
Can they get away with being poor against the run? Can they expect another year out of Westbrook? I don't know the answers to these questions, so instead I'll demand that Shawn Andrews's draft day headshot be displayed after every selection with Tommie Harris's father operating the telestrator.

Robb, who would you draft?
I'd give the defensive line some help, it's certainly not getting any at crunch time from Cramps Kearse and the aforementioned Hugh Douglas.

Who will the Eagles pick?
Travis Johnson, DT, Florida State

#32
New England Patriots

At the same time Bill Simmons was crying about how the Pats don't get any respect there was a caption on ESPN that read "Patriots: Best team ever?" We are sick of you, New Englanders, we are honestly very sick of your team and the enormous amount of shit they talk after the fact. There is a reason that Teddy's... sorry, Tedy's head blew up on him in the off-season and that's because it was getting too big for the vessels to work correctly any longer. Whatever, you don't care, your team has three rings and mine still has itself depicted in various versions of NFL Blitz with Heath Shuler and Ray Zellars running things.

Questions for the Patriots
Will everyone still play you guys with a huge yellow streak running down their back? It's no coincidence that the only team to beat them in the last half of the season was a bunch of chumps and nobodies who had nothing to lose or fear like the Dolphins. Oh, and as for the rest of the NFL -- way to go getting Jim Bates heavily involved in the interviewing process. He did something the rest of you mopes have been struggling to do for four years, which is beat the Pats with the only collection of less talented and gifted than the Patriots have themselves. I'm not saying that he should have locked up a ten year guaranteed deal, but to think there's no place for him running things for some of the teams at the top of the draft is pretty absurd.

Robb, who would you draft?
Here's where I take a quarterback to show everyone that I'm not messing around and that even Brady had to watch his ass. I'm not saying that Rohan Davey won't be an exceptional quarterback in this league, but he's certainly rather "girthy," and I don't recall Vincent and Old B.O.B. chucking tight spirals out of Disney's The Black Hole, if you're digging my ditch here. In case you're not, I'm saying that Rohan Davey is so fat that a football cannot escape his gravitational field.

Who will the Patriots draft?
Marcus Johnson, T, Mississippi. They've been doing it on the o-line with a bunch of castoffs, so now everyone will piss themselves when a guy with first round talent gets some playing time. It disgusts me to know that the Saints will lose at home to them this year by 40.


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