2002 NFL Mock Draft by Robb Sherwin

OK, I had no trades listed, so this'll be totally incorrect. Also, I hate every team in the NFL except the Saints and lately I'm not exactly enamoured with them. So you can cut the bitterness with a melted spork. Annnnnd lastly, this was done on the Wednesday before the draft. Just saying, in case Kuharich trades KC's entire draft for one guy (like he did in N.O.) on Friday or something. Press on!


Houston Texans

David Carr, QB, Fresno State
The Texans have already announced this pick -- and already signed him -- so anyone who has someone else going in the top pick needs to get back to their chocobo fanfic.

Carolina Panthers

Julius Peppers, DE, North Carolina
The Panthers have stated that unless someone knocks them out with an offer, they are taking Peppers. Only someone who fell in love with Jammer would make them an offer, though. I could see Dallas doing it, because they do everything wrong (and giving up picks on that team is just not a good idea) I don't see it strongly enough to put them here.

Detroit Lions

Quentin Jammer, CB, Texas
Unlike many of the teams drafting this early, year-to-year, Detroit is not really run by a GM that is utterly incompetent. They continued the "high picks for an OL" thing that the previous regime had going, and it failed like it did for every other team (namely my Saints, but also others) who tried it. That's why they are drafting here. They need a running back and two new cornerbacks. As no RB should be taken anywhere near this spot this year, Jammer is the man. 

Buffalo Bills

Joey Harrington, QB, Oregon
I smell smokescreen. I really do. They have stated that they are high on Mike Williams, but I don't think they'd sign Trey Teague is that were the case, especially in doing that and not giving Jeff Blake (who WANTS to be there) a fair contract offer. They'd love to trade down, that much is certain. QB has been an absolute drama-filled mess for this team since Jim Kelly's second-to-last year. This makes sense, but it probably won't happen, thus messing up every other pick that I have listed from here on out. 

San Diego Chargers

Bryant McKinnie, OT, Miami
They like him, and he loves them. Dude has not given up a sack throughout high school or college ball. Of course, John Butler is making the decision here, and he chose a defensive back in the first round in virtually all of his drafts. So who knows. Signing Alex Molden to that mega deal didn't exactly work out, did it John? That's been proven to be the hallmark of success, though, old Saints cornerbacks. Who hasn't destroyed people after signing a CB with N.O. on their resume? Besides, I mean, everybody

Dallas Cowboys

Donte Stallworth, WR, Tennessee
Jerry Jones -- owner and G.M. Jerry Jones -- is utterly unpredictable and as bad at drafting as a single human can be. No idea how the hell they are going to mess this up. Stallworth ran 4.3s all day, and so while this team NEEDS a quarterback, while they NEED some help in the secondary, I see them adding another fast guy to the Galloway and Ismail stables they already have.

Minnesota Vikings

Mike Williams, OT, Texas
Williams will never fall this far. But then again, Kenyatta Walker freefell last year, so there ya go. At any rate, he certainly does not fall beyond this point, as Minnesota coach Mike Tice wants to have his manbabies. 

Kansas City Chiefs

John Henderson, DT, Tennessee
Harrington does not get past #8. But as I've got him going at #4, it makes sense for KC to help shore up the d-line with Henderson, who should play well for them. Much has been made over the fact that KC hasn't had a QB that they drafted lead their team in passing since the mid-80s, but Jesus, their record for free agent signings on their defensive line is almost as bad. Besides, I have to figure that Vermeil will give Trent Green one more shot... and bawl his eyes out over it regardless of whether Green succeeds or fails. 

Jacksonville Jaguars

Albert Haynesworth, DT, Tennessee
I just realized I have three Volunteers going in the top ten. Hm. Jacksonville is one of the most boring teams in the history of the NFL to watch, especially after Fred Taylor goes down by week two. Who's going to be the asscrack that drafts him in the second round this year for everyone's rotisserie draft? Someone always does it. For us last year it was my brother, but he traded him after week one to the Milker for Jeff Garcia. So the Milker gets garbage for it due to his decision being worse than the guy who drafted him. Anyway, Jacksonville is going DT, it's just a matter of which one. 

Cincinnati Bengals

Phillip Buchanon, CB, Miami
They have no idea who they want. It's like playing odds and evens with a retard. They don't know what finger they are going to throw out there next, and Cincy has no idea who they want or who they should take. Erring on the side of logic -- they have addressed DE, WR and LB in previous drafts. Their big problem is QB, but it's doubtful that they will go for Patrick Ramsey this early, and KC won't let Harrington slip. Buchanon it is. though a DT wouldn't exactly hurt them. 

Indianapolis Colts

Roy Williams, S, Oklahoma
It's just a matter of the best defensive player available -- everyone knows Dungy is going defense here. With my prediction of the Cowboys losing it on the Stallworth pick, my mock draft differs from most, as Williams is generally expected to go to Dallas. If Indy takes this guy, every pundit in America will say, "OOH JUST LIKE HAVING LYNCH IN TAMPA, OMG OMG, KEKEKE!!!" which is what they all want to do. (Except Kiper, he's the bomb.) 

Arizona Cardinals

Ryan Sims, DT, North Carolina
It does not make... even the slightest difference who they -- badly -- grab. This guy will be hurt or out of the league in three years. Sorry, Ryan, but I guess you get elected in this particular mock draft. Kill yourself to save face, but take out as many Arizona front-office masterminds as you possibly can in doing so. Please.

New Orleans Saints

Ashley Lelie, WR, Hawaii
Everyone has them taking Charles Grant (DE) here, but I don't see it. Grant is a Mike Mamula type: a guy who had a meteoric rise just because of his workout numbers. No way should that guy go at #13. It looks like Stallworth won't make it past here, as GM Randy Mueller has talked him up all week, so I see the next best WR going here instead. Ideally, if all the three DTs and Stallworth are gone, Mueller will trade down -- he's shown a tendency towards doing so when the guy he wants is gone (i.e. last year, when Miami grabbed Chris Chambers one slot before N.O.'s 2nd round pick. Mueller traded it for two threes to Dallas, who then promptly selected both QB Quincy Carter, and to be the laughingstock of every NFL fan for an entire year with one fell swoop.)

Tennessee Titans

Wendell Bryant, DT, Wisconsin
Possibly, he goes to N.O. instead. (Though they did sign Grady Jackson, so who knows.) Everyone's been talking him up to Tennessee: I think it's extremely likely they go DT here and close out the foursome, but it's impossible to identify, really, just which DT goes where. 

New York Giants

Jeremy Shockey, TE, Miami 
One of the most uninteresting picks in the draft. The same braintrust that gave Kerry Collins the unemployed alcoholic a fat signing bonus when nobody else wanted him lack the wit to talk a guy up and then not take him. Put your cards on the table! If you're not with us you're against us! We're running the table! If only terrorists would blow up two buildings every week during the season, so the NFL would ensure we get the most laughably one-sided-refeering in NFL history the following week!  But nevertheless, much like Brett Favre falling into Strahan's grasp for a tainted sack record, Shockey falls to the Giants here. 

Cleveland Browns

T.J. Duckett, , RB, Michigan State
Cleveland desperately needs a halfback, and yet they shouldn't: Curtis Enis did everything required of him for the Bears to let him go so he could play where he truly wanted to be. Ah, well, Curtis, pity about the degenerative knee condition. Maybe if you didn't fatten yourself up to 500 pounds in an attempt to get cut those knees would have lasted you longer. Some guys, like Elway and Lindros, know how to whine their way out of a city they want no part of and some guys, unfortunately, don't. (Er, not that Elway and Lindros didn't come off as immature, snotty babies, because they definitely did, but rather that and a long career than Enis' particular blueprint.)

Atlanta Falcons

Antonio Bryant, WR, Pitt
Last year Atlanta's best players seemed to be cobbled together by the sharp-drafting tactics of certain Front Page Sports Football '96 draft plans. They were strong at CB1, CB2, QB2, LB1 and TE2. Meanwhile, those positions that actually determine the majority of success in the NFL went rather uncared for. Atlanta needs a receiver in the worst possible way -- with Troy Brown elevating his game to super star status, I think it's safe to say the Falcons have by far the worst corps in the NFL. Also, everyone on ESPN (except, again, for Mel Kiper) is totally unable to resist saying, "Ah, now Vick has a target to throw to!" or "Another weapon for Vick!!" That is my ultimate guarantee for draft weekend. 

Washington Redskins

Jabar Gaffney, WR, Florida
Yeah, yeah, Spurrier taking a Florida receiver, aren't I the clever one. Tell me it's not going to happen, though. He's signed every one of them except WillieJack in the off-season still kicking around, and he made an offer to WJ. Oh -- and frigging Weurffel to throw to them. This guy is no different than somebody who had both NCAA Gamebreaker and NFL Gameday for their Sony Playstation and who used the import function. "Quick, gobble up every guy I had in college! Wheee!" Sometimes it's cool to act like you're in a video game. In this case, it's not. (OK, OK, admittedly, it's never cool to act like you're in a video game.) 

Denver Broncos

Andre Gurode, G, Colorado
Shanahan may be the worst first-round drafter currently going. Yes, he certainly makes up for it on day two, but in a sensible world he'll realize that offensive linemen are the most high-percentage play you can make. Even when they don't pan out as first round selections, they are still serviceable. Due to ego, though, there's not a chance in hell he actually takes this guy. He can screw Oakland by grabbing Harris, and screw Seattle by grabbing Graham. (Not that they play in the same division any longer, but then again, not that Shanahan cares.) The question you have to ask yourself, is: how can Shanahan best mess up his first rounder? Taking Gurode would not be the way. And therefore, won't happen.

Seattle Seahawks

Daniel Graham, TE, Colorado
Holmgren's cronies have all but written out their need for a TE in 72 point type.

Oakland Raiders

Napoleon Harris, LB, Northwestern
Best LB in a crappy draft for linebackers. Al Davis, though, is quite mad, so who knows?

New York Jets

Lito Sheppard, CB, Florida
An intriguing pick -- the Jets both have many holes, and few holes. How the hell they got into the playoffs after the way they played run defense at the beginning of the year is a question that will stump scientists for generations to come. But apparently they picked it up. Houston grabbed eleven or twelve of their players -- I forget which -- in the expansion draft, some of which were defensive backs. But WR is also a strong possibility. 

Oakland Raiders

Patrick Ramsey, QB, Tulane
Looking at the Raiders, they don't have that many holes. Their problem is that Davis keeps suing the NFL, and so whenever the NFL gets a chance to screw him, they will. (Also, in the previous year, his defense was solely predicated on taking the opposing starting QB out. It would have worked to a championship, except that Baltimore's ability to have two mediocre QBs on the roster provided the kryptonite to that super plan.) Gannon, like everyone else on the team except for Woodson, is an old, old man, and the only thing funnier than watching the refs snicker over that Brady "non-fumble" when it comes to Raiders football... well, is really watching the Dungeons and Dragons-style getup their miserable fans wear to the stadium. But beyond that, high comedy can be found in the backup QBs they trot out. Ramsey solves that problem nicely.

Baltimore Ravens

Anthony Weaver, DT, Notre Dame
A mass exodus of defensive players makes Weaver a nice pick here. However, Bellick is officially an offensive guru, so halfback could be an option (and provide some insurance against Jamal Lewis not recovering completely). As Bellick decided he would rather win in a way that isn't his style than lose by a way that was (a decision I'd say that 80% of all NFL coaches and GM could not make) I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that defense is addressed here. 

New Orleans Saints

Kalimba Edwards, DE, South Carolina
This is mostly outright hoping on my part as a Saints fan -- after the disaster that was the non-signing of Joe Johnson (who left as a free agent to Green Bay) this would help them re-load on the defensive line. Willie Whitehead is a solid pure pass rusher in Edwards's style, but what are the odds he bucks the trend of what has become an annual free agent jailbreak out of New Orleans next spring when it's his time? Additionally, Edwards has been struck with the "tweener" tag, which if anything else means he can move and make plays... something most of the N.O. linebackers weren't actually interested in during their laughable four game skid to end the season. Edwards would help pick up that slack.

Philadelphia Eagles

William Green, RB, Boston College
Looks like when a team is as far under the cap as Philly is each season, they just go out and invent problems for themselves. One such problem was at halfback: Duce Staley can't stay healthy, sure, but when he's on the field he's electric. Certainly, nobody on Tampa Bay is going to stop him when these two teams meet for another rousing game in the first round of the playoffs this year. This is too soon for Trev Faulk (who could at least attempt to help replace Trotter) but he'll be gone by the time they pick next. But then again the Eagles have gone on record stating they don't think MLB matters much to a team's success anyway. At least with Miami having traded away their selection for a halfback, we don't have to see them pass on a quality running back for the first time in ten fifteen twenty thirty years.

San Francisco 49ers

Mike Rumph, CB, Miami
First off, there's no way that this Niners team should have gone 12-4. Never before have so many teams just rolled over for a collection of players simply not that good. Pass defense, on paper, was a weakness, but how many shut-outs did they throw? This organization most likely believes that they can go the best available athlete at this point. WR may be a problem if Stokes is gone, but we live in a league where nobody has decided to punch Owens in the face off the line of scrimmage so that he cries on the field like he does... constantly... off it. (Note to every other team: cheat the cap, because even if you do, you still get to keep your first rounders.)

Green Bay Packers

Javon Walker, WR, Florida State
Green Bay's had a terrific off-season, and should be the favorites to win the NFC. There really aren't any holes there. Walker's a decent pick here, although I can see them going for Josh Reed as well.

Chicago Bears

Dwight Freeney, DE, Syracuse
Everyone's got Chicago making this pick. And why not? When you only throw downfield (where downfield is defined as "past fifteen yards") three times a game, you've sufficiently fulfilled your WR weakness with one quality player in Terrell. Additionally, Freeney had his way with Vick -- and Favre, Culpepper and whoever the hell Detroit lines up under center are not going to get harder to get to than that.

Pittsburgh Steelers

Charles Grant, DE, Georgia
This is the only way Grant becomes a success. Pittsburgh drafts the HELL out of the college ranks, and only they can make this Mamula a success. (Note to every other team: cheat the cap, because even if you do, you still get to keep your first rounders.)

St. Louis Rams

Levi Jones, T, OT
St. Louis' problems are solely due to the arrogance of their head coach. As there are no head coaches coming out this year, it's best available athlete time. The windmill that has been the RT spot for St. Louis gets an enormous upgrade.

New England Patriots

Josh Reed, WR, LSU
Reed seems to fit this organization quite well: great character, will shine on special teams if asked, has inexplicable magic which prevents a bunch of guys who should have won two games total last year from sucking, and instead propels them into one of the finest Super Bowls ever played. Halfback is likely, but are they going to find someone who gives them more than Kevin Faulk? (Er, not that Faulk particularly gives them much, natch.)